Monday, August 07, 2006
Random thoughts wear a feathered mullet
-This is going to make me sound racist, but I don't care. Plain and simple, Eskimos are lousy at Jai-Alai. I've said it; let the chips fall where they may.

-Whenever a shirtless drunk drives his Camaro into a Shriner's parade, I smile and think about my childhood.

-There's nothing better than fresh produce. Okay, random sex with a drunken bar slut is a little better...

-I knew Mel Gibson was anti-Semitic the day I caught him masturbating to my DVD copy of Schindler's List.

-If there are any retarded people reading this, well good for you. *condescending pat on head*

-When I'm in hell, and Satan disembowels me and lowers my carcass into a lake of fire, it won't even seem like torture; because I sat through Star Wars: Phantom Menace.

-Customers don't like it when you sniff loudly and ask them if they just shit their pants.

-When Kate Bosworth goes to a buffet, she's eligible for a forty percent bulemia discount. Oh, the perks of celebrity.

-In hindsight, Abortion on Demand was a terrible name for that children's book I wrote.

-My last night in Vegas I got so drunk I paid a midget to "go up" on me.

-Worst country-western bar ever? Buck's Incest Nest.

-Is it okay to jump around even if one didn't come to get down?

-Fact: George Bush refers to the Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Michael G. Mullen, as "That fella what dresses up like Cap'n Crunch."


24 Comments:

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I love you.

Blogger Orville said...

Corn is my masturbating to Liam Neeson movies.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

damnit you are better then cable.

Blogger Nick said...

What's your new email address, jerk?

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

Ahhh memories of my ex-wife driving her car THROUGH the shriners parade and little car parts and big Shriner parts everywhere....

And actually it is NOT acceptable to jump around if you did not come to get down sadly enough.

Blogger yournamehere said...

tits,
I love you, and all tits.

orville,
Liam was in Schindler's List and Phantom Menace; he's seen life from both sides now.

knitty,
and I don't keep showing War of the Worlds over and over.

nick,
same as it ever was. toddvegas@cox.net or toddp345@yahoo.com

lone,
I should rename this blog Death Wore a Bloody Fez.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You are like a ray of sunshine.

Blogger Flounder said...

When I go to a buffet, they always hit me with a 40% fat guy surcharge, so it all balances out.

Blogger tlsd said...

*gigantic smooches*
... for making me fall about laughing ... again...

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

you are too damn funny!!!!! you just made my week!!!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm going to Google search "Orville Redenbacher naked."

Blogger Übermilf said...

Fortunately or unfortunately, all I got was a picture of his brand of healthy microwave popcorn that had no salt or butter, and therefore was "naked."

But no pics of the man himself.

Blogger Nick said...

Why would you attempt to put yourself through such an ordeal, Ubie?

Blogger Egan said...

Hold me!

I think I speak for all retards reading your blog when I say, 'Uhhhhnnnn muh guffar chbagggg SKREEEEE!' We will not be patronized. You've been warned.

Blogger JJ said...

Bravo.

Blogger katarina said...

These are my favorite posts of yours.

Blogger tlsd said...

When you hold egan... can I go in the middle?

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Laughing histerically! Thanks for the great ab workout.

BTW.....I'm not a midget, just short, but I'd go up on you anyday!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

seriously, will you marry me?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

go up on you?

fucking spectacular.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
I used to offend you with these. I'm losing my edge.

flounder,
no Asian in Louisville will let me near his buffet.

tlsd,
I like the term "fall about".

sonrisa,
wow, and it's early in the week, too.

ubie,
thanks for doing this blog's dirty work.

nick,
maybe Ubie is an Orville fetishist. I hear there's a shrine to Orville Wright in her basement.

egan,
hold you accountable?

john,
retards don't like to be patronized, unless you have puddin'. Retards love them some puddin'.

jj,
thanks, man. When I win the lottery, I'm visiting Austin.

kat,
that is my favorite kind of comment.

tlsd,
tell you what...I'll hold you, and Egan can hold your purse.

little ol',
I never forget a face or a promise of a blowjob.

spinning girl,
yes. Yes I will marry you.

cold hands,
you aren't that short, but I'd be happy to stand on a chair or something.

Blogger Blonde said...

I love you.

I love the concept of a book called Abortion on Demand.

Genius, pure genius.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Thanks for the pat on the head!

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