Wednesday, June 13, 2007
What Ever Happened to Normal Customers?

The other day at work I saw two older women who were dressed like they were reenacting a scene from the movie What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? A woman wearing an oversized babydoll dress and too much makeup was pushing her wheelchair-bound, matronly-dressed sister all through the liquor store.

I wanted to know more about their circumstances. Was the woman in the babydoll dress a former child star turned alcoholic has-been? Was she cruel and oppressive to the woman in the wheelchair? I'll never know.

Recently two subjects of past DWAFM blog posts met in a most horrifying manner. The subjects: The perverted old German woman in this post, and the skinny stoner coworker illustrated in this story.

Most of us literally RUN when we see the perverted old German woman. The only person who makes employees scramble more than her is the old lady who wears boxer shorts as an outer garment and smells like a cat pissed on a dirty shoe. Well, my coworker, "Shaggy", didn't see her coming. As I peered around a corner, she trapped him against a vodka display and asked, in her thick accent, "Why do you wear your pants so loose?"

This guy is six feet tall and weighs about 120 lbs. "Loose" is his only option.

He replied, nervously, "Because they're comfortable I guess."

"Do you have large testicles?" she asked as she reached down and fondled his junk.

Well, my cover was blown when I actually fell to the ground laughing. Shaggy walked away as the crazy nut-kneader yelled after him, "Hasn't anyone ever felt your testicles before?"

Not someone old enough to be his grandmother, I'm fairly sure.

Then the woman calmly finished her shopping, tried to get our store manager to give her free samples, and paid for her purchases. She definitely benefited from the ol' double standard. Imagine if a lecherous old man had walked into our store and grabbed a pair of tits. I doubt "Hasn't anyone ever felt your boobies before?" would have gone over very well.


Blogger brookelina said...

Forget Jersey, I'm moving to Louisville.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Thanks for the best laugh I've had this week!!

Blogger benjibopper said...

i never thought i'd say this, but...omg. didn't see that coming. i can't imagine this whole scene went over well with shaggy either. poor guy.

Blogger MLE said...

I think that's the most awesomely horrible thing I've ever heard.

Blogger miss kendra said...

what, so i can't go around groping people's junk now??


Blogger Cold Hands said...

OMG I LOVE her for doing that!

It just doesn't happen often enough- but then again I don't have to tell you that huh?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

It's my future self! I must start working on my German accent!

Blogger Blonde said...

For all that is cunty, what would you have done had she grabbed your cash & prizes????

You are so right about that double standard...

Blogger Monalicious said...

Wow. Just wow.

Blogger Tracy said...

Old bitch stole my move~!
Up here we call that the Tracy-Shuffle.

Blogger Nick said...

That's hilarious.

Also hilarious: A person named Cold Hands saying "I love to do that". IF only the world could be as I see it.

Blogger Übermilf said...

You should submit that to "Reader's Digest" as a funny workplace story.

Or perhaps "Dilbert."

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...


I just can't stop laughing...

It's so bad, but so funny.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Nick- correction - I said I love her for doing that. Not that I am above it... I'm just sayin'

I am sure Todd wouldn’t mind me grabbing his junk, I did, after all, show him my boobies in the parking lot of some casino.

Classy? Yes I am.

Blogger Melissa said...

I aspire to be a sexually deviant German lady when I grow up. Between my heritage and your stories, I feel confident that I will accomplish my goal.

Also, "nut-kneader"? Totally made me shriek with laughter and inhale coffee.

Blogger Steph said...

I like her. If I lived near you I'd follow her around with a video camera and post that shit on YouTube.

Blogger yournamehere said...

oh you should. We need one more zany character.

that was a long cyber-laugh.

shaggy has never fully recovered.

it is profoundly horrible.

I think if YOU had grabbed Shaggy's stuff, he would have been extremely happy.

cold hands,
I'm glad old people don't fondle me.

you can fondle me right now. Don't wait.

I might have knocked her cane out from under her.

I say the same thing when I see that silhouette.

the tracy shuffle? HA

if only...

maybe Paul Harvey will read the transcript on his radio show. Is he still alive?

other people's misfortune is always hilarious.

cold hands,
I wanted you to grab my junk. I was quite upset that you didn't.

once again, why wait to be a sexual deviant?

if you lived near me, I'd follow YOU around with a video camera. And not to post the shit on youtube, either.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

I'll bet you don't have cable because you don't need it-- you get enough entertainment at work.

At a restaurant I worked at about 15 years ago, there was a very nice old couple that came in. The woman, I suspect, was developing Alzheimer's, and began making very loud remarks about how nice she thought my ass was. I wasn't embarassed so much for myself as for her husband, who was a very nice, very quiet guy.

Blogger jomama said...

I doubt "Hasn't anyone ever felt your boobies before?" would have gone over very well.

OTH, could have been what she was

Blogger Mama en Fuego said...

OH MY GAWD, I'm so glad I stumbled onto your blog....hahahahahahahahaha

That is some classic shit.

Blogger DannieS72 said...

omg omg, I snorted my coffee out!Normal customers? what the hell are those?

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