I go FJM on online dating profiles

As most of you know, I'm a fragile, lonely shell of a human being; so naturally I turn to online dating, the last refuge of the social scoundrel. I try it for a month or so, go on a few unremarkable dates, get flat-out rejected more times than I care to remember, and then stop again until loneliness/horniness makes me forget about the futility of it all.

Anyway, I'm sure a lot of these women are nice people and all, but I'm bored and bitter, so let's take down some excerpts, FJM-style. The authors will, of course, remain anonymous.

"I would enjoy a nice dinner out at somewhere like Proof on Main, Volare, Jeff Rubys, etc..."

Of course this golddigger picks three of the most expensive restaurants in town. Hey, you're meeting people on a FREE dating site. We don't even want to spend 20 bucks a month on match.com, and you want a gourmet meal on the first date? Kindly eat shit instead.

"Im not here for games . So if your here for games keep moving, find someone else. If I wish to play games, I have board game. Looking for a good man that likes kids and has a head on his shoulders,...and like I said not on here for games."

I don't think she's here for games, do you? Was it Shakespeare or Schneider from One Day at a Time who said "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"? As I've stated before, she wants games, just NOT YOURS. Her games are the Summer Olympics, your games are rec league at best. 

And as an adult, please learn the difference between "your" and "you're" and use them correctly.

"I like men that have a great sense of humor and lead a healthy lifestyle."

You can have one or the other, lady. Not a lot of guys cracking jokes while eating kelp and doing squat thrusts.

"I'm honest, probably to a fault......if you really don't want to know what I think, please don't ask. (That doesn't mean it's ok to message me and ask for my opinion...I don't freaking know you! Let's be grown-ups please.)"

Ok, let's translate this to English from its native Crazy Bitch. She is honest and will tell you her opinion, but don't even think of asking for it! She doesn't know you, man! I'm assuming you can ask her for a date, SINCE SHE'S ON A DATING SITE, but maybe I'm wrong.

-Note on dating profiles in general: why does every single woman on this particular site list "4 wheeling" as one of her interests? Really? That many women have a 4 wheel drive vehicle and just love driving over rough terrain? I call bullshit. 

"Girls are like apples the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy."

Ummm....ground apples. But really, did she read this off of a commemorative plate hanging in her great aunt's pantry? 

  

"I have 4 kids, all of whom live with me."

Only four? You need to step up the baby makin' if you want to achieve your goal of repopulating the Lost City of Atlantis. You can have sex without getting pregnant, you know.

"I have a criteria that the average man here just doesn't fall into. I dont feel I am better than anyone else I am just different and many men just do not interest me."

"None of you deadbeats are good enough for me, but it's not like I think I'm better than you..." There is nothing hotter than a 40-yr-old woman with ridiculous fake boobs and a bloated sense of self. I can tell just by reading her profile that she thinks she's smart and funny because guys who want to sleep with her tell her she's smart and funny. I'm guessing she's neither.

"GO CATS!"

Ugh, a University of Kentucky fan. Just the phrase "Go Cats" makes me shrivel up like a stack of dimes.

I'm sure male profiles are as bad or worse. Yeah, they're probably much worse; a bunch of shirtless Jersey Shoresque douchebags leaning against their Camaros, I'll bet. But I'm not doing the research. Someone else feel free.

I go FJM on Republican Quotes

You know the drill, those of you who still read this. I'm going to respond to some dumb ass Repub quotes in the style of a blog that was smart enough to stop while they were ahead.

"The idea that carbon dioxide is a carcinogen that is harmful to our environment is almost comical." - Rep. John Boehner

This sounds like the fuckshackled rantings of a methed-out loony, doesn't it? Well, John Boehner is the fucking SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. He's in the line of succession. I'm not going to refute this weepy cuntwad with a scientific study proving he's an idiot, just as I wouldn't waste my time arguing with someone who says getting shot in the head won't hurt a bit.

  

''I'm ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown -- in this case a $20 billion shakedown ... I'm only speaking for myself. I'm not speaking for anyone else, but I apologize." - Rep. Joe Barton

Another of our distinguished public servants, this time referring to a $20 billion fine levied against BP for destroying the Gulf Coast with their greed and carelessness. Oh, and in the time it takes Joe Barton to clean the jizz off his jowls after servicing an oil exec, BP has made the $20 billion back.

''The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.'' - Pat Robertson

An oldie but retardie from Pat. I'm not going to be polite here: Fuck your soul, Pat! You have the moral authority of a child molester. You are a slurry-brained hillbilly who makes millions from robbing the old and ignorant of their life savings. I hope there is a hell, just so you can spend eternity being torn apart by demons, you squinty-eyed false prophet.

''Guess what? Faisal Shahzad (failed Times Square car bomber) is a registered Democrat. I wonder if his SUV had an Obama sticker on it.'' - Rush Limbaugh

Well, surprise, this statement is a lie. The crazy bastard wasn't registered to vote. Maybe Rush was too fucked up on illegal prescription drugs he bought from his illegal housekeeper to fact check that day. Besides, Rush, we liberals are all pansy-ass environmentalists, remember? None of us drive SUVs. It's a shame when Rush Limbaugh's outright lies don't coincide with his easy, brain-dead stereotypes.

''When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up'. I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.'' - Glenn Beck

Keep in mind Glenn Beck said this in 2005, when his hero George W. was President. I'm guessing if a 9/11 "victim family" was on television now, complaining about Obama, Beck wouldn't be so sick of them. Of course, what would they have to complain about? "I didn't like the way Obama authorized a successful takedown of the man who killed my loved one"? Not gonna happen.

Oh, and you cry like a bitch at the drop of a hat, Beck. You make millions from complaining. Go fuck your overinflated sense of self worth in its blowhole.

''If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that's in people's pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the war between the states -- the Great War of Yankee Aggression.'' -Rep. Paul Broun

You know, there's nothing wrong with Southern Pride when it applies to "We make some damn fine Grits", but still defending slave ownership? Still defending the traitorous act of taking up arms against the United States? Again, this isn't some moonshine runner holed up in a ramshackle aluminum hut; this is a United States Congressman. Sad and pathetic.

''We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. And I think now, isn't that ironic?'' - Sarah Palin

"Ironic" isn't the word I'd use, no. I can't believe Sarah would jeopardize her precious family by subjecting them to universal health care. What if the "death squads" had decided that she and Bristol were too fucking vapid to live? 

''The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.''- Rep. Lamar Smith

I can see Lamar being interviewed after someone blows up the Sears Tower: "Yeah, that's terrible and all, but the real tragedy is that Brian Williams votes Democrat."

''I believe we have more to fear from the potential of that (health care) bill passing than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.''- Rep. Virginia Foxx

I can see Virginia being interviewed after someone destroys downtown Los Angeles: "Yeah, that's terrible and all, but the real tragedy is that poor children are getting medicine."

"I'm more of a man than any liberal." - Ann Coulter

I can't argue with this. She has giant man hands, an Adam's apple to rival Clint Eastwood's, and I'm guessing she's hung like Dirk Diggler.

Notes from Dark Lord Day

This weekend a few coworkers and I ventured through Indiana to the thriving metropolis of Munster, to attend Dark Lord Day at Three Floyd's Brewery. Dark Lord Day is the only day of the year that this beer is sold, so the brewery has made an event out of it. Do I have thoughts and observations about the trip? You bet I do!

-Do you like flat? If so, do yourself a favor sometime and drive almost all the way through Indiana. Indiana is so flat it would give Russ Meyer nightmares.

-For some reason, Google Maps took us off the highway for a detour through Gary, Indiana. Gary is, for lack of a better word, a shithole. So prevalent were the boarded-up buildings, so complete was the squalor, that the place looked post-Apocalyptic. Remember the famous quote by Chris Rock about the irony of violent streets being named after the peaceful Martin Luther King, Jr.? Well, Gary has TWO streets named after MLK, because the violence couldn't be contained by just one.

It turns out that we didn't need to get off the highway at all. I think Google Maps is in cahoots with the Gary Visitors Bureau (it's the building that hasn't been condemned), because that is the only way anyone would ride through the town.

-I stood in line a lot at Dark Lord Day. There were lines for beer, food, bathrooms, and t-shirts. I didn't have to stand in line for a t-shirt, though, because a friend of ours used her feminine wiles big boobs to get us to the front.

-I didn't really mind waiting in line for the beer, which was excellent. I recommend Three Floyd's Zombie Dust IPA if you can find it anywhere.

-After not eating all day, Langel's Pizza became the best pizza on the face of the Earth.

-I discovered a cure for my insomnia: start drinking at 11am. I was fast asleep by 9pm Central Daylight Time.

-The complimentary coffee at the Residence Inn in Hammond is BRUTAL. I actually tasted notes of unfathomable sadness, like the coffee beans were roasted in a child's coffin and filtered through a Holocaust Cloak.

-On the way back home, at a rest stop in the "lovely" city of Whiteland, Indiana, I saw a teenage male wearing a shirt that read Down to Fuck. It must have been his good Sunday shirt. His parents should be Down to Put a Foot Up His Ass.


-Had a great time on the trip, but I want to go back to Three Floyd's Brewery when I can sit leisurely in the brewpub and drink a few of their delicious beers in relative quiet.