The Traveling Dumbass Show

Last week I was flying to Las Vegas when I was lucky enough to observe maybe the dumbest human being on Earth. 

What did he do that was so stupid? He argued with airport security. Yeah...

I was at Louisville International Airport (which, in fact, has no non-stop flights to any location outside of the continental United States), when a female security officer asked a middle-aged man to step back and wait until his carry-on bag cleared the x-ray machine before he stepped through the metal detector. 

This seemed a reasonable request to most of us, but the man protested. He didn't think he should have to push his own luggage through. I guess he thought the airport had some sort of luggage lackey to handle such trivial matters. 

Either way, what difference does it make? Just do what they say and get through the line as quickly as possible. For the love of shit, just do it.

"I've never had to do that before," he stated with the authority of the kind of fucking know-it-all douchebag that everyone wants to bludgeon to death.


"Sir, it's standard procedure," the security guard stated. 


And it went on. He kept insisting that in all of his past airport experiences his carry-on bag just magically made its way through the x-ray machine without his assistance. Some people just love to argue.

He lost the argument.


The last I saw of this argumentative gentleman, a couple of burly Homeland Security officials were giving him an elbow-deep cavity search.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Douchebag

10. You've been mocked on the website Hot Chicks with Douchebags, and you aren't a hot chick.

9. The place you buy your clothes has a DJ.

8. You have an Ed Hardy tattoo of a guy getting an Ed Hardy tattoo.

7. Your tan is so orange you get a cease and desist letter from lawyers representing Home Depot.

6. You've been on the cover of Popped Collar Magazine: A Magazine For Guys Who Pop Their Collars.

5. You've done coke with Lindsay Lohan.

4. The place you buy your clothes has a VIP area with bottle service.

3. Whenever Red Lobster has their "Douchebag Month" promotion, in which all douchebags get 15 percent off any entree, they send you an email.

2. You've taken out an insurance policy on your abs.

1. Your minister says to you, "Jesus loves you, but I think you're a douchebag."

Unloved in my own hometown

This week a local free newspaper had some kind of "Things We Like About Louisville" List. Shockingly, I wasn't included. I know, I too am speechless. 

I do and do and do for this city, and this is the thanks I get. I actually know two people who write for this paper. One of them hates me, but still...you'd think that person would want me to get some publicity so readers could mock my appearance. 

This cover story in a free weekly paper was probably my last chance to make the jump from complete to relative obscurity. Damn the luck. Maybe it was my lack of a cool job or any discernible talent that kept it from happening. 


Actually, a few years ago a rival weekly newspaper used several quotes of mine for a featured story and the writer wanted to promote my blog, but I didn't think it was a good idea to have my full name associated with this. After all, I might have lost a job that saps my very will to live; and we wouldn't want that.