Saturday, June 27, 2009
A question:
When OJ Simpson dies, will he get the same consideration Michael Jackson is now receiving?

OJ Simpson, in his prime, was one of the best football players in the history of the sport; a rare combination of speed and power. He played for a horrible team, everyone knew he was their only option, and he still could not be stopped.

So, when OJ eventually passes, will a gushing mainstream media suddenly forget all of the bad things he did in life and emphasize his gridiron greatness? Will football stadiums fill with grieving fans eager to celebrate his on-field accomplishments and very willing to ignore his off-field troubles?

"Hey," you're saying outloud at your computer, prompting stares from friends and/or family, "OJ Simpson killed two people!"

Well, to quote every Michael Jackson apologist ever, "HE WAS ACQUITTED." Acquital is acquital, be it for child molestation or double murder.

So when OJ goes gently into that good night, I fully expect ESPN classic to play 24-hours of his greatest games, with interviews of old timers who remember exactly where they were when he broke 2,000 yards in a season. Any mention of his trials will be mere afterthoughts to his life as "The King of Football".

Thursday, June 25, 2009
Live blogging the NBA Draft
Since so few people read this blog these days, I'm going to go ahead and live blog the NBA Draft. I know no one cares about this; hell, even I don't really care about this. As usual, I'm approaching this from a position of complete ignorance.

New Yorkers in the crowd are already getting on my fucking nerves, although I do admire the fact that so many of them are drunk at 7:30.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma

Talk about good news/bad news. The Clippers are cursed, their coach is a rah-tard, and they're ugly stepchildren to the Lakers in their own city. I hope Blake enjoyed all the winning he did in college, because those days are sadly over.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut

Hasheem is 7'3". I didn't know they stacked shit that high. Yeah, I'm not a fan, sorry. If Thabeet is as good as he thinks he is, the Grizzlies just drafted Jesus Christ.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State

So this guy is going from the Number 1 party college in the country to the town with the most Sonic restaurants in North America. That guaranteed first-round money will buy a lot of Tater Tots. Confession: I have no idea who this person is.

4. Sacramento Kings - Tyreke Evans, Memphis

Last summer Tyreke was in a car with the assailant during a drive-by shooting. Today he's a millionaire. Think about that when you get up nice and early to go to work tomorrow.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio, Spain

Has anyone ever seen this guy play? It would be funny if Ricky Rubio turned out to be one of Sasha Baron Cohen's wacky characters. If he ever says one of the Timberwolves cheerleaders has "vagine like sleeve of wizard" we know something's up.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse

Minnesota has two picks in a row, so they follow their draft of Boruno G by selecting their second straight point guard. There's either a trade in the works or the Timberwolves are morons. Or maybe both.

7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson

HAHAHAHAHAHA! The New York Knicks fans wanted Curry, and Golden State took him one spot ahead of them. New York, your disappointment sustains me.

8. New York Knicks - Jordan Hill, Arizona

This guy is getting booed hard. Maybe the crowd saw him play the only time I saw him: when his team lost to Louisville by 40 points in the NCAA tourney. I suddenly feel a little sorry for Knicks fans. My condolences.

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California
If I still lived on the West Coast I'd have probably heard of this guy before now. Now he's in Canada, so it's not like I'll ever see him again.

On a serious note, it turns out both of his parents are ill and he vows to spend his money to help them, so at least his fortune won't be wasted. Let's hope the next pick doesn't have a tragic back story so I can rag on him with impunity.

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Brandon Jennings, Compton, CA

Jennings played in Italy after high school, so he can say "colossal bust" in two languages.

11. New Jersey Nets - Terrence Williams, LOUISVILLE

Fuck yeah! T-Will gets paid! What, am I supposed to be objective? Nope.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Gerald Henderson, Duke

Stays in North Carolina, so he doesn't have to learn to speak standard English.

13. Indiana Pacers - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina

Getting the "overrated" chant by the crowd. Ouch. Regardless, every corn-fed honky in Indiana will have a Hansbrough Pacers jersey by the end of the week, so good pick.

14. Phoenix Suns - Earl Clark, Louisville

Earl is a no-show at the draft site, which disappoints me. I watched him play for three years at Louisville and never heard him say a word, so I was looking forward to the interview. I predict that Earl will have great success in Phoenix, who will then trade him to save money.

15. Detroit Pistons - Austin Daye, Gonzaga

I hope he's as successful as Adam Morrison. Wait a minute...

16. Chicago Bulls - James Johnson, Wake Forest

I just heard the term "tremendous upside" which means no one at ESPN knows anything about this guy.

17. Philadelphia '76ers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA

Despite the spelling, his first name is pronounced "Drew". I have a feeling he's going to be a tremendous jisapointment.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ty Lawson, North Carolina

Are you fucking kidding me? Their third point guard of the draft!!! Oh, they're trading the pick, so they aren't completely insane.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest

Since he's going to Atlanta, I hope he likes complete fan indifference.

20. Utah Jazz - Eric Maynor, Virgina Commonwealth

I hope this kid doesn't let the crazed, non-stop nightlife of Salt Lake City destroy him. It happens to the best of 'em.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Darren Collison, UCLA

New Orleans has arguably the best point guard in the league, so they just wasted a first round pick on practice cannon fodder.

22. Portland Trail Blazers - Victor Claver, Spain

He won't leave Spain for two years, according to my TV. Great pick then.

23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel

The Kings are owned by the Maloof brothers, who also own the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. As you might have guessed by now, I have never heard of Omri Casspi. Is he available to play in the NBA next year, or will he move to Spain to hang out with Victor Claver for the foreseeable future?

24. Dallas Mavericks - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State

He didn't start in college. Repeat, he didn't start for Ohio State last year. Another stellar pick.

"Hey, we were horrific underachievers last season. What can we do to make sure that never happens again?"

"Let's draft a slow clumsy oaf who will have to improve greatly just to suck."

"Solid idea."

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Rodrique Beaubois, Guadeloupe

At this point they're just trying to piss me off. Dejuan Blair is still on the board! The guy who dominated the second overall pick TWICE last season hasn't been selected yet. He's available to play right away. He doesn't have Visa issues or fucking malaria! Someone pick Dejuan Blair for the love of god!!!

26. Chicago Bulls - Taj Gibson, Southern Cal

Maybe he'll stay in Los Angeles for a couple of years before heading to Chicago. Who knows at this point?

27. Memphis Grizzlies - DeMarre Carroll, Missouri

Who? His college coach is at home right now going "Really? DeMarre? Wow."

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina

Another guard, but at least he's a shooting guard. Very underrated in my opinion.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Toney Douglas, Florida State

The Lakers need a shooting guard in case that Kobe Bryant kid doesn't work out.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Christian Eyenga, Congo

Seriously, did Dejuan Blair rape an NBA general manager recently??? YET ANOTHER guy drafted who won't be ready for a few years. This is why the NBA is a steaming pile of shit.

Thank god the first round is over. I won't be covering the second round, so you'll miss hearing all about the kid from the North Pole who won't be ready for a decade or so, but has tremendous potential.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Bidnez as usual in Kentucky...but not when I'm governor
Here's the deal, you lucky fuckers who don't live in Kentucky: The horse racing industry in this state is in big financial trouble. Horse racing is kind of a big deal in Kentucky, and a lot of people depend on it to make a living. Why then, is it going broke? Two words: Casino gambling.

You see, other states have it and Kentucky doesn't. Surrounding states are putting slot machines in their horse racing tracks, which means bigger payoffs for winning horses. The owners and trainers of horses are going where the money is, which is far away from Kentucky.

Our governor created a slots-in-racetracks bill as a stop-gap measure until we could finally get around to voting for full casino gaming, but the bill didn't make it out of the Kentucky Senate. Hell, it didn't make it out of committee, mostly because of Senate President and unrepentant hillbilly David L. Williams.

David L. Williams isn't in my district, so I'm not allowed to vote for him. In fact, 98 percent of the state isn't allowed to vote for him, but he's by far the most powerful politician in Kentucky. Our governor should be the most powerful, but he's yet another in the line of spineless, clueless governors who have haunted this state for as long as I can remember. Senator Williams told him the bill would never pass, and it didn't.

So because the few thousand people in David L. Williams' district think gamblin' is of the devil, the rest of the state has to sit around thumbs in asses as even more jobs leave the state. Son of a fuck I'm so sick and tired of this shit! You think gambling is wrong? Then DON'T GAMBLE!!! They aren't going to put a casino in your shitbrick little town anyway. They want people to spend money, not barter with moonshine and meth.

Here's what I'd do if I was the governor: I'd announce that there would be special elections this November in Louisville, Lexington, and Covington (Covington, KY is across the river from Cincinatti) to decide if the citizens of those cities want full casino gambling. If they vote "yes", casinos will be built post haste. The rest of the state has no say regarding what happens in these cities. Really, why should a tiny drainage ditch of a town in Appalachia get to make decisions for Louisville? And they don't get any of the revenue, either. The cities which allow gambling will keep that dirty money all to themselves.

Oh, and while I'm at it, "dry" counties no longer get any tax money from alcohol sales. It's only fair.

Here are some other things I'd do as governor:

-move the capital building to Louisville, because I don't want to live in Frankfort. I'd get one of those big houses near Cherokee Park. That way I could go get drunk at the bars in the Highlands and safely stumble home. The last thing this state needs is another politician who drives drunk.

-change the name of the University of Kentucky to the University of Lexington. Just to piss people off.

-give sweet state jobs to friends and relatives. Why end Kentucky's long history of nepotism?

-make coal companies apply actual safety measures.

-try to get marijuana legalized as a state controlled, highly-taxed crop. We could do the "medical" loophole like California. I'd use this windfall to train and educate the rural poor. Just because I don't want hillbillies to tell me how to live doesn't mean I won't help them if I can.

-bring rampant womanizing back to the Governor's Mansion.

-force KFC to abandon those "Famous Bowl" slop jars.

Vote for me and I'll give you a ham!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I'm very disappointed with David Letterman
No, not for making the joke....FOR APOLOGIZING FOR IT!!! Letterman should have made it perfectly clear he wasn't talking about the 14-year-old and let it go. Instead, he apologized to Sarah and Todd Palin for referencing the daughter they paraded in front of the nation like a pregnant show pony.

He didn't owe an apology to that vapid bitch and her secessionist traitor husband. Both of them can kiss the fattest, whitest part of my fat white ass. And while we're at it, "Nancy" Letterman can pucker up, too. As far as I'm concerned, his rep took a major hit when he capitulated to Limbaugh and Hannity and all the other outrage merchants.

So far, this late night war has been nothing more than a sissy-boy slap fight. Conan gets an 11:30 show and behaves like he's performing in a church; and now Letterman, with a chance to be the biting, sarcastic, nasty Dave of old, caves in like Bristol's abstinence after a six pack of Smirnoff Ice.

And I'm not apologizing for that.

UPDATE: Here are a few other jokes told by comedians other than David Letterman regarding Sarah Palin's family.

In October 2008, Jay Leno said "Governor Palin announced over the weekend that her 17-year-old unmarried daughter is five months pregnant. And you thought John Edwards was in trouble before. Now he's really done it." Where was the anger directed at "nice guy" Jay Leno? There was none. Leno never apologized, because he wasn't asked to.

In a Saturday Night Live skit last fall, a fake NYTimes reporter says "What about the husband? You know he's doing those daughters. I mean, come on. It's Alaska!" I guess Todd was ok with the (joking) accusation of incest; as was Sarah when she appeared on the show a few weeks later.

Remember when Sarah Palin dropped the first puck at a hockey game? Conan O'Brien commented that she would "then spend the rest of the evening trying to keep the hockey players out of her daughter's penalty box." That joke was ten times more crass than what Letterman said, and guess what else??? Bristol wasn't there. Palin went out on the ice with her then 6 and 13 year old daughters. Nobody called Conan a pedophile or suggested he was an advocate of child rape. I'm sure he made the joke about Bristol, but he was given the benefit of a doubt that was never extended to Letterman.

So why suddenly the outrage? Because the right wing echo chamber needed something to bitch about. End of story.

Monday, June 15, 2009
The Dead Weather are pretty awesome
Jack White of the White Stripes decides to put together a new band. He calls them The Dead Weather and they choose to open their U.S. tour in Louisville. Of course they do; it's the rock and roll capital of the North Central Kentucky/Southern Indiana area! So when you're in this music mecca, where to play? Where to showcase your new rock band? Why, at a recently-shuttered country line dancing bar, of course.

The Dead Weather played at the former Coyote's at the former City Block entertainment complex. City Block was a local douche/jackass gathering place that was recently put out of business by 4th Street Live!, a douche/jackass gathering place owned and operated by out of towners. I'm a firm believer that our douche/jackass dollars should stay local, but our mayor doesn't get any kickbacks when that happens, so City Block was ultimately doomed.

Someone taped one of their performances the other night, in surprisingly high quality. If you're so inclined, check it out here. If not, I don't know if I like you anymore.

In the video you can clearly see their lead singer blatantly disregard our local anti-smoking ordinances. LONG LIVE ROCK AND ROLL

Friday, June 12, 2009
Forget Conan...Now it's Letterman vs. Palin
The other night David Letterman told the following joke regarding Sarah Palin's visit to NYC: "One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game... during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”

Now obviously to anyone with a functioning brain, Letterman was talking about Bristol Palin, who because of Sarah Palin's ambition is the poster girl for teenage mothers. Sarah and her husband Todd *sigh again* made the decision to parade their unwed pregnant daughter around the country for political gain. That's a fact.

Unfortunately, Bristol didn't attend the Yankee game with her family. The only daughter in attendance was Willow, who is fourteen years old.

This technicality gave Sarah Palin and the right wing echo chamber the opportunity they needed to paint David Letterman as a pedophile, and most importantly to them, to keep Sarah's name in the news.

Alaskan secessionist Todd Palin was quoted as saying “Any 'jokes' about raping my 14-year-old are despicable. Alaskans know it and I believe the rest of the world knows it, too.”

Hey Todd, thanks for giving the rest of us the reluctant benefit of the doubt that we are up to Alaskan standards regarding child rape outrage. And while you're at it, find a way to turn your manufactured anger into a solid object and go fuck yourself with it.

Sarah Palin, who certainly isn't "abstinence only" when it comes to being a huge media whore, vacantly added "Laughter incited by sexually-perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands..." Way to go, Sarah. She not only played the outrage card, she also deftly played the Hollywood/New York elite card.

Oh, for the record, just to inject a little reality into Sarah's fantasy world of "Heartland Moral Superiority", California and New York both have an age of consent of eighteen, the highest in the nation.

I viewed the offending joke when it first aired, and I NEVER FOR A SECOND thought Letterman was talking about 14-year-old Willow. And he wasn't. The joke doesn't even make sense if he isn't referencing the girl with the history of getting knocked up. It's painfully obvious to anyone who doesn't have an agenda.

Also, I'm guessing the majority of the people watching were like me and didn't know anything about Willow Palin. Until this "outrage" manufactured by the Palins, I just knew they had a couple other daughters. But now they're forcing her into the spotlight like they did with Bristol, just to get some attention and raise a little money for 2012.

Hey, if Todd and Sarah Palin wanted to say "Hey, asshole...leave Bristol alone" they'd have every right. Instead they're casting David Letterman as a child molester and forever associating the name of their own daughter with child rape. Good work.

To paraphrase a famous saying "Have you no sense of decency, Sarah? At long last have you left no sense of decency?"

Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Can't they just beat a motherfucker down?

The other day at the French Open, some rot-for-brains ran onto the court during Roger Federer's match. The guy was waving the flag of Barcelona and tried to put a hat on Federer's head. And since the match was played in France, he was tackled by a security guard dressed like the old man in the Six Flags commercials.

Apparently this isn't the first time this deranged attention-seeker has done something like this. He disrupts sporting events all over Europe.

I have a humble suggestion on how to keep this from happening again: Toss him into the crowd.

I'm serious. First he needs to be punched so hard he'll think he's the girlfriend of a University of Memphis basketball player. Then he needs to get picked up by the short-n-curlies and thrown into an angry mob. Problem solved.

Saturday, June 06, 2009
Obscure objects of my hatred
Here's some weird people/things I hate:

Pat Boone
Pat Boone? The 75-year-old singer? Yes, because he's always been a moralizing tool, telling people how to live their lives. Well, fuck Pat Boone with a lead pipe. Why is Pat Boone a rich man who's given a stage to pollute the world with his insipid opinions? I'll tell you why.

Back in the 1950s when Top 40 radio wouldn't play r and b and rock songs by black artists, slimy producers would hire Pat "Cracker" Boone to re-record said songs, in the process sucking the soul and talent out of the music with his omnipotent honkiness. The only reason Pat Boone made a penny from the music industry was because of prejudice. So shut the fuck up, Pat. Just because you were a scavenger of human ignorance doesn't give you the right to drain your cesspool of a soul all over the rest of us.

John Sterling
Sterling is a radio announcer for the New York Yankees. Since it isn't 1948 and I don't live in the Bronx, I don't follow the Yankees on the radio; so how do I know about this guy? He's so annoying that ESPN likes to play his calls over Sportscenter highlights. His "signature" call occurs when Alex Rodriguez hits a steroid-aided home run: "It's an A-bomb......from A-Rod."

Did your eyes pop out of your fucking head just reading that??? Well, you should hear it. Whenever I hear this dreadful line, I PRAY for a full nuclear war. A society that accepts John Sterling doesn't deserve to exist.

Cell Phones
Yes, I own a cell phone. It's cheaper than a home line, so I'm a giant hypocrite. But they have ruined society, mostly because there is just a certain type of person who cannot be off the cell phone for even a second. They're on the phone while merging into heavy traffic. They're on the phone while checking out at the grocery. Why isn't this woman handing her credit card to the cashier? Because she won't shut her scone-hole long enough to function as a human being. Why did that teenage boy just crash into a mini-van full of nuns and orphans? He's texting someone he just saw three minutes ago.

The guy
I wrote about my hatred of this guy's first commercial a year or two ago. Since then, he and his shitty "band" have made about a dozen other spots. So either is intentionally sabotaging itself or *shudder* this guy is actually popular. I fear it's the latter. That makes me weep for the human spirit, although it really shouldn't surprise me. Mister is no worse than Jason Mraz or Nickelback, so why shouldn't no-taste-having motherfuckers embrace him? Me, I'd like to see him beaten unmercifully by a rogue repo man.

Burger King french fries
I forgot how horrible they are and accidentally got an order last week. Does Burger King ever change their frying oil? Ever?? I ate a handful of fries and all day I had a taste in my throat like I just went down on Amy Winehouse.

I make a point to support locally owned bars and restaurants whenever possible, but I'll have to admit I love the food at Famous Dave's BBQ. The other day, however, I stopped in for lunch and they made me wish I hadn't. Oh, the food was still good, but when the server referred to herself as "Famous Jessica" I almost lost my appetite.

But it got worse, much worse. While I was still eating, Famous Jessica stopped by and asked me "Is your food tasting famous for you today?"

I almost choked on a rib tip. Is my food tasting famous? Are you kidding me? How does something taste famous? Why, Famous Jessica, are you constantly reminding me that I'm sitting in a generic chain restaurant? I'm trying to pretend I'm eating at a rib shack in the deep South, and your peppy corporate-speak is destroying the fantasy! I don't want to admit that I'm one step away from waiting an hour for a table at Olive Garden with the other lame asses; I just want some fucking rib tips.

The final straw was when I paid by credit card and she called me "Famous Todd". ARRRGH!

"Yeah, I'm in a bit of a hurry. Famous Todd is running late to his pissant retail job."

Next time I'm getting carry-out.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Conan versus Dave: I'm conflicted
As a sometime insomniac, I had my late night television viewing down to a science: David Letterman at 11:30, Conan O'Brien at 12:3o, and ESPN News unti I'd finally fall asleep. Then Conan had to get all "careery" and take over The Tonight Show at 11:30, going up against Dave. I'm conflicted now! Damn it, who will I watch?

To a lot of younger people, David Letterman is just the cranky old bastard who always got trounced in the ratings by nice guy Jay Leno. To me, and a lot of people my age, Letterman was the best talk show host in the history of television. The man was my comedic hero when I was a teenager (and for years thereafter). If you watched his old 12:30 program on NBC, you saw someone reinvent the talk show format, both recognizing and embracing the utter stupidity of show business and celebrity culture.

Is David Letterman as funny and groundbreaking as he used to be? No. But he's still plenty funny, in my opinion; and he can actually interview people, which is apparently a lost art.

Conan O'Brien is simply fucking hilarious, though. At least he was at 12:30. If he doesn't change too much to conform to a larger audience it'll make for a tough decision for me. I'll probably go with whichever show has Jessica Alba as a guest that night.

-On a related subject, has anyone seen Jimmy Fallon's show? God, it is BRUTAL. Did anyone NOT see this coming? When you saw Jimmy Fallon suck on Saturday Night Live and steal two hours of your life with his horrid movies, did you think "This guy should host a talk show"? No? That's why you aren't a highly paid network executive.

Monday, June 01, 2009
The M-TV Movie Awards make me question the benevolence of the Baby Jesus
I knew I was WAY too old to watch the MTV Movie Awards. The warning sign came about a month ago when I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist on pay-per-view. Hey, Michael Cera was in it, and I liked him in Arrested Development and Superbad; and to a lesser extent in Juno. Then I watched Nick and Norah's blahblahblah and Michael Cera's one-note acting finally got on my nerves. His schtick never changes. He's the Mr. T of understatement.

Anyway, on to the show:

-The intro, featuring host Andy Samberg, spoofs Twilight and Slumdog Millionaire, two movies I haven't seen. So we're off to a great start...

-Can we officially bury "ironic white guy rap" as a comedic tool? If it was ever funny, and I don't think it ever was, it certainly isn't funny now.

-Ashley Tisdale, the product of a petri dish and Walt Disney's preserved DNA, wins an award. Whenever someone from the High School Musical movies wins something, another Olive Garden opens.

-Sweet god almighty, Megan Fox is hot! But she's not hot enough to make me watch the crappy movie she's promoting. Transformers is High School Musical for guys who get explosion boners.

-Commercial: The Real Word: Cancun looks like the biggest drunken douchefest yet. I can't wait until the alcoholic guy with anger issues hooks up with the girl who lost her virginity at age twelve to the older dude who bought everyone wine coolers.
"Oh, we're all young and attractive and stuck in a resort community with an unlimited booze budget. Life is so hard." FUCK YOU.

-We get it, Eminem; you can rap really fast. Too bad you can't rap so fast it sets time back to 1999 when people gave a fuck about you.

-Another Disney babe, Vanessa Hudgens, presents an award with Jonah Hill, the Chris Farley of the IPod generation. Jonah says he's currently dating a rubber doll that looks just like Ms. Hudgens, giving me my first intentional laugh of the night.

-Sasha Baron Cohen, the crazy guy behind Borat, is lowered into the crowd as his newest character, Bruno. In what is probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen on television, he lands on and TEABAGS Eminem!!! Seriously, his taint is in Slim Shady's face. Eminem's bodyguards start punching Bruno as the rapper gets up and leaves the building. HAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, at first I thought this was staged, but why would Eminem agree to this? How will it help his career to have Sasha Baron Cohen's ass in his grill on national television? Real or fake, it was pretty funny.

-The "Best Kiss" category is won by a couple of actors from Twilight, some unrepentant douche and Kristen Stewart, who appears to be on the controversial heroin and corn diet.

-At this point, a lot of crap happens that might have been funny for thirty seconds, but seemed to go on forever.

-Miley Cyrus is acting drunk. Someone check backstage for empty bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade and have Chris Hansen on stand-by, just in case.

-Twilight's Kristen Stewart is really annoying. I'm not saying her career is going to end badly, but when I squint just right I can see the ghost of Dana Plato hovering above her.

-The "highlights" of the upcoming Twilight sequel include the least convincing man-to-werewolf transformation since Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf 2.

Commercial: MTV promotes a new series, 16 and Pregnant, which follows a bunch of stupid white trash kids who should never in a million years be allowed to have children as they, well...have children. Or will they have them? I predict a full dumpster on prom night.

-Kings of Leon, who used to be not so bad, audition for inclusion on the soundtrack of the next Ben Affleck film. Very disappointing.

-Hey, Jim Carrey wins an award, answering the lingering guestion "Is Jim Carrey still alive?" Seriously, I didn't know he released a movie last year.

-Denzel Washington is there? Denzel Washington appearing on the MTV Movie Awards is like Scarlett Johansson showing up to work the graveyard shift at a rub-n-tug massage parlor in south Louisville. Have your agent killed, Denzel.

-Twilight wins Best Picture as the douchebags, the heroin addict, and Dana Plato's foreshadowing spectre gather on stage to annoy me.

-Mercifully, it ends.