This Just In: Internet Dating Still Sucks

The other day I got a message, via an internet dating site that shall remain nameless, from a woman from Los Angeles. Yeah, the one in California.

"Oh, you want to have coffee? I'll hop in my jet. See you in five hours."

It was obvious from this message that it was a mass email scam of some sort. It was completely generic, the author had obviously never read my profile, and the syntax was painful.

Oh, and in the Description area, the following was listed:

Height: 4'4"

Hair: Bald

So not only is someone trying to take the money they mistakingly think I have, they're trying to do it by tempting me with a bald midget three time zones away!

"Here's my checking account number, Mini-Me's sister! I love you!"

At least pretend it's a tall blond from Louisville like the good scam artists do. Of course, even then you can tell it's a fake, mainly because the email is written like this:

I read profile and have you many manly things I like. I live in your city and enjoy the places and things people in your city enjoy. How about local sport team? They are team I like. I am tall blond considered the very good looking. I search for man to love forever and you are man.

Write me at svetlana@

russianwomenwhowanttotakeallyourmoney.com

Of course, these easily identifiable scams are nothing compared to the real dates. Oh, real dates, how you disappoint and frustrate me.

I recently had a quick dinner with the most humorless, critical, self-important woman to ever ruin a quick dinner.

I was chastised for not composting. Repeat: I WAS CHASTISED FOR NOT COMPOSTING.

I'm overweight, I hate my job, I had to sell my Acura to a scrap yard, and my social life has been reduced to me trolling on internet dating sites. Shame on me for not thinking to intentionally let garbage rot in the backyard. Go fuck your hat, Broomhilda.

She droned on and on about knitting hats for the homeless, which is very nice; good for her. But WHY BE A BITCH TO ME? I'm right here, trying to carry on a conversation with a cyborg from the planet Cuntron 5. At least fake being nice, god damn it!

And god help the homeless if they ever have to meet the "mystery angel" who knits their hats. She'll spend hours analyzing the life mistakes they've made. She'll wonder why they just didn't go to college or at least learn a trade. And why the pesky alcoholism and/or drug habit?

"You can keep the hat. Winter ain't that cold."

Notes from the Golden Globe Awards

-I miss the opening because the football game on the other channel ran long. Blogging about the fucking Golden Globes is gay enough; I'm not about to miss the end of a close game.

-Ricky Gervais is the host. I wasn't even going to bother watching/blogging this, but Ricky Gervais is the shit. If you don't agree, you're probably glad Jay Leno got The Tonight Show back.

-Speaking of Jay Leno, all of the auditoriums in Los Angeles were booked tonight, so the show is being held inside Leno's massive head. It came down to that or his soul, and his soul is so empty the sound guys were having trouble with echo.

-Ricky is telling dick jokes on prime time. Does it get any better?

-Nicole Kidman's dress makes her pale ass look nude.

-The Modern Family lady calls Edie Falco "Eddie Falco". Toni Collete wins, and says "balls" in the testicular rather than spherical sense.

-Hey, a crowd shot of Robert Deniro looking disinterested.

-For some reason a really hot young chick is introduced, and some old guy in the crowd is caught kind of creepily ogling her. I get caught kind of creepily ogling young women all the time, so I know it when I see it.

-Paul McCartney plugs a Beatles reissue, because he doesn't have enough money.

-I was going to watch Up on dvd, but the director just bored me half to death with his acceptance speech, so fuck it now. That's how I roll.

-What is Nine? I need to see more movies. Or not.

-This show is being watched by half a billion people worldwide. I know this because Felicity Huffman just told me. My response: THEN DO BETTER!!!

-The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press reminds me of an English, slightly retarded Art Garfunkel. As a side note, I like to reference Art Garfunkel whenever possible.

-I'd watch Dexter, but I don't have Showtime. No joke here, sorry.

-People watch The Good Wife? I refuse to believe that.

-The voice-over announcer just said "Everyone is wondering if Avatar will win Best Drama." Really? Because of all the things I was just wondering, that was dead last.

-A Harrison Ford appearance. "Get off my mediocre awards show!!!" Remember that shit-stain movie Regarding Henry, when Harrison plays a heartless yuppie who gets shot in the head and becomes a slurry-witted nice guy? Judging from his speech pattern tonight, they're doing a sequel and he showed up "in character".

-A guy from the last row just won something. It took him fifteen minutes to get to the stage. And then he kinda weirded everyone out. It would probably help you the reader if I identified these people, but I really have no fucking idea.

-Up wins something else. Apparently, everyone involved in the production of this film is a complete dork.

-There's going to be a Wall Street sequel? If it isn't called Wall Street 2: Electric Boogaloo I'll be very disappointed.

-Producers shouldn't be allowed to give speeches. NOBODY cares about you. And the music playing in the background means "Shut your cakehole and get off the stage so we can bring up an actual celebrity."

-Ricky Gervais insults Colin Farrell and Colin decides to wait until later to attack him with a whiskey bottle. See, people really can change!

-Meryl Streep is here? Does she owe back taxes or something? Good speech. She should give every speech for the rest of the evening.

-I'd bang Helen Mirren. I know she's really old and she's talking about Precious, the most depressing film of all time, but I'd hit that.

-Jesus, watching Drew Barrymore give a speech is like watching a meth addict on a unicycle. That's ok, it's not like she's been a celebrity since birth or anything.

-The camera crew for this show has to be a group of slightly trained spider monkeys. One of them just flung poo at Gerard Butler.

-Directors are as dull as producers, with the added bonus of being insufferably egotistic. Yay!

-Alec Baldwin wins but is at a "previously scheduled charity event." In other words, Alec Baldwin showed up drunk and/or he's plowing a cocktail waitress.

-This is really three hours long? Come on, really?

-Samuel L. Jackson! His gift bag is the one that says "Bad Motherfucker". And hey, I've actually seen Inglourius Basterds. If it wins something, I'll nod almost imperceptibly in agreement.

-Director + Foreign = Getting Played Off By The Band. You can take that to the bank.

-Mad Men wins Best Drama. I watch that! I know the characters and everything! Christina Hendricks and her ample cleavage are on stage right now! Why do I have the feeling this will be the highlight of the show for me?

-Chloe Sevigny wins for Big Love, yet another show I watch. And....she's annoying. Shit.

-Have you seen Monster's Ball, where Billy Bob Thornton plays a racist who ends up fucking Halle Berry? Yeah, because EVERY straight dude alive wants to fuck Halle Berry. Can't we use this to bring us all together? Halle Berry is on screen now, by the way. It's not like I'm just sitting here randomly thinking about bigots and Halle Berry. Jeez, give me a little credit.

-Speaking of sex, Robert Deniro is talking about Martin Scorsese sticking his dick in a film cannister. At least he no longer seems disinterested.

-Jodie Foster is going to be in a film called The Beaver. The jokes are writing themselves!

-Mel Gibson, huh? I guess we're all supposed to forget that he's a Jew hater? That did happen, right? He did blame Jews for "all of the evil in the world," right? I thought so.

-The creator of Glee is gay? Color me surprised.

-Mike Tyson is with the cast of The Hangover. I always think he's going to murder someone, no matter where I see him.

-Governor Arnold just made a "California is bankrupt" joke. The Jay Leno of politics, ladies and gentlemen!

-Sandra Bullock seems visibly afraid of Mickey Rourke. Seriously, Mickey looks like something from Genesis' "Land of Confusion" video.

-Great, funny speech by Robert Downey, Jr. I have to say at least one positive thing, right?

-Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor/Drama. I'm glad he won 'cause he's The Dude, but I have no idea what he won for. Jeff is awesome. He just thanked his stand-in. The guy who stands in his place on set? That guy just got thanked.

-This show is kind of dreadful, but not dreadful enough to be entertaining.

-Even Julia Roberts is ready to put this out of our misery. Avatar wins Best Drama, so America's wondering can now end.

-Is a headless guy on a horse going to throw a flaming pumpkin at James Cameron? 'Cause he has a heavy Ichabod Crane vibe going these days. He also seems like a dick.

-Ricky Gervais had some funny lines and good digs at celebrities, but it was a lost cause. Nobody could have saved this televised colostomy.

NBC and Jay Leno deserve one another

Back in the Fall, NBC decided to put Olive Garden America's favorite "funny" man, Jay Leno, in prime time five nights a week. They did this because they were (and still are) cash-strapped and bereft of fresh ideas. They polished a turd to a high shine, but it was still a big stinking dookie, and everyone knew it.

Conan O'Brien is unlike Jay Leno in that people under the age of eighty find him funny. NBC had been planning on giving him The Tonight Show for years, but when they finally did it they decided to undercut him with Jay's Flaming Shitburger Extravaganza, or whatever the fuck they call that televised abortion.

Jay's travesty got record low ratings, but NBC didn't care at first, because the show was cheap to produce and they were still making money. But then the local affiliates started to bitch about record low ratings for their 11pm newscasts, which was costing them lots of money. Instead of sending Jay off to die on an iceberg, like the wise Eskimos would have done, NBC decided to give him back his 11:30 slot. Conan can either start his show at midnight or eat shit. His decision.

Well, yesterday Conan told NBC to suck his ginger cock. He won't start his show at midnight. Good for him! NBC has a history of butt-raping actual talent to appease Jay Leno and the Bingo fans who love him. Johnny Carson, who made The Tonight Show an American institution, wanted David Letterman to take over for him, but NBC gave the job to Leno and ran Dave off. Now they're fucking Conan O'Brien up the ass and don't even have the common decency to give him a reach around.

And most of all, fuck Jay Leno. How much money does he need? How many palsied knock-knock jokes does he have to spoon feed to the easily amused? How many careers does he have to passive-aggressively destroy so can feed an ego that might actually be larger than his circus sideshow chin? Jay was given a chance to build his ratings when he took over The Tonight Show, and now he wants to deny Conan that same privilege. Jay's terrible ratings performance at 10pm led to poor ratings for Conan, yet Jay gets rewarded and Conan gets the shaft. Eat all of our dicks, Jay. Ladies, kindly don veiny strap-ons so Jay can eat those, too.

Dime-sized cumwad

Every once in a while, despite management's best efforts, I'm afforded a cashier who is not only competent at the job, but actually cool. Our latest minor miracle, whom I'll call "Linda" for the purpose of this story, recently moved to town from Albany, New York.

The other night a few of us went out drinking after work, and Linda told us a really heartwarming story. The night before, she visited a local dive bar near her apartment. To paraphrase:

"So I'm at this bar waiting to use the bathroom, and I'm waiting and waiting, and this guy walks out of the women's room. I was like 'What the fuck?' but I had to go so I went in, and there was a dime-sized cumwad on the toilet seat."

Yeah, so the guy beat it in a public ladies room. Welcome to Louisville, Linda.

I'm sorry, but "dime-sized cumwad" is the funniest thing I've ever heard. It is now my go-to expression, as in "I don't give a dime-sized cumwad" or "He's got a dime-sized cumwad where his soul should be." I'm easily amused and this is providing me with hours of entertainment.

Oh, and I honestly don't know if "cumwad" is one word or two, but "cumwad" just looks funnier than "cum wad".

A note to America

Haven't blogged in a while. I would say I've been busy, but I'm not any more busy now than I was back when I posted six times a week. Anyway, let's blame Facebook. And Twitter, even though I don't have a Twitter account (and never will). Speaking of Facebook, I just wrote a status update that inspired me to blog again. At least this once...

Dearest America:

-The Snuggie is just a backwards robe. Do you have an old robe lying around? If not, a senile relative does. Steal it from him and he'll never be the wiser. Ever. His wise days are behind him.

-Olive Garden is not an acceptable approximation of Italian cuisine. Have you seen the commercial where the old man visits from Italy and his stupid relatives take him to Olive Garden? The commercial shows them talking and laughing with their mouths full of awful food; but it doesn't show the part where the old man executes every fucking one of those no-taste-having-cocksuckers with a single bullet to the back of the head.

-You remember the day after Thanksgiving when you got up at 3am to stand in line at Wal-Mart? Remember standing in a light but bitterly cold rain with wind gusts that ripped your nips off? Remember fighting through a throng of punching, kicking, spitting and biting louts to buy a bunch of crap you really didn't need, all because it was on sale? Well, it's on sale for less RIGHT NOW. I think I'll proceed at my leisure and buy some of it. Or maybe not.

-You probably think tonight's Texas v. Alabama football game will decide the sport's national champion. I'm here to tell you that as long as there isn't a playoff, that title is as mythical as the Easter Bunny blowing a Unicorn. Since Boise State is also undefeated, I'm going to go ahead and call them your 2009-10 National Champs. Congratulations, Boise State!

-New Year's Eve has passed, so everyone can go back to not giving a fuck about champagne.

-SPOILER ALERT: Avatar has the exact same plot as Ernest Scared Stupid. True.

-If you drink Bud Light, you do not like beer. You like fizzy yellow water that might get you drunk if you down a case of the swill. And that's ok. Really. To each his own. But quit saying you like beer.