Happy Halloween

Last Friday I was hanging out with a friend and we had the following conversation:

me: "Looks like 'slut' and 'douchebag' are really popular costumes this Halloween."

friend: "Uh...Halloween's not until next weekend."

me: "Oh, right. I'm just out in public. My bad."

TV Shows I Watch

I have the TV on a lot while I'm home, but it's usually a live sporting event or a Jessica Alba movie with the sound turned off. When I do actually pay attention to a scripted show, it's usually one of these:

Mad Men

Don Draper is awesome, except for the whole "living a second life to escape his tragic white trash beginnings" thing. Oh, and the "cheating on his hot wife" thing is terrible, but it's the early 60s and he's handsome and successful; what did you expect?

Despite his flaws, I really admire the way he dismisses the toadies and fools at his office. He does it without swearing or even raising his voice. He sits at his desk smoking a cigarette and drinking a martini in the middle of the day and verbally eviscerates people who richly deserve it. In other words, he has the best job ever.

And Joan. That is all.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So many wrong but hilarious moments. Just watch this show. One of my favorite exchanges:

Frank (Danny Devito): I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Curb Your Enthusiasm

If Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld are the Lennon-McCartney of comedy, it's becoming pretty clear that Larry David is Lennon; minus getting shot in the face by a crazy guy, of course. I fully expect Seinfeld to descend further into mediocrity before marrying a one-legged gold digger.

30 Rock

A show loosely based on Saturday Night Live is funnier than SNL has been in years. Tracy Morgan is probably legitimately crazy, so they just let him be himself. Brilliant.

Big Love

It seems like forever since the last season of Big Love, but that's the way it goes over at HBO.

I've always gone against the belief that you have to have a likable character to enjoy a TV show or movie. There really isn't anyone to pull for on this show. Bill, the main character, is a manipulative hypocrite who uses his arcane religious "beliefs" so he can keep getting younger and younger wives. Really, that's what polygamy is all about. But the show is just fascinating. I can't stop watching it.

And that's about it. I still watch Family Guy, but you already knew that. And I watch The Office, but mainly the reruns on TBS. Everything else is just reality shows, scripted retardation, and Jay Fucking Leno.

So help me out here. Are there any other shows I should be watching? Please don't suggest sci-fi shows, reality TV, or Lost.

It should have been you, Spade. It should have been you.

There's a new commercial for Direct TV staring the late Chris Farley and his alleged best friend, David Spade. It features old footage of Farley from the film Tommy Boy. He does his "fat guy in a little coat" routine as Spade shills for satellite television, saying "I could be at home watching Direct TV. Instead (points in the direction of his dead best friend), I'm stuck with that." He also calls the late comedian "tons of fun", because that's how loathsome vultures treat their deceased pals.

Way to go Spade, you corpse-raping midget. I know Chris Farley died a long time ago, and I don't expect David Spade to be in a constant state of mourning; but for fuck's sake, is he so bereft of options to continue the shit stain that passes as his career he has to posthumously insult Farley for a quick payday?

Yes, Chris Farley ate, drank, and drugged his way to an early grave. I'm not suggesting he was a hero or should even be an object of your pity. But he was sometimes funny, which is more than that smarmy fuck David Spade can claim. To this day, despite years of appearances in unfunny movies and TV series, David Spade is still primarily known as Chris Farley's smartass sidekick.

Every day David Spade wakes up and doesn't have to go down to a bus station and blow strangers for cash, he should thank God he met and befriended Chris Farley. He should also have the humility to realize that he only gets to fuck hot twentysomething girls because he's a pseudo-celebrity and they have low self-esteem, but that's for another post.

Whenever I think about Phil Hartman and Chris Farley being dead while David Spade lives, it makes me want to toss a dwarf through a plate glass window.

Yeah, so I yelled at a debt collector...

I only had an hour to go on my shift at work yesterday when the "night shift" cashiers started coming in. One young lady had just clocked in when she received a phone call. It was a debt collector, violating every law on Earth by calling her at her job, and this asshole threatened and berated her until she started sobbing. Not crying, SOBBING. She was so upset that she asked if she could go home.

This lady is a person who cries at the drop of a hat, but she shows up on time, does her job, and doesn't fucking sass-talk me, so she's a valuable employee; and I'll be ass-raped if I'm going to let some bottom-feeding piece of human garbage fuck with her.

Luckily, she had written down the number and extension so she could call him back and continue to be harangued at a later time. I went into the back office, closed the door, and called the number myself.

Me: Did you just call here and talk to (name withheld)?

Vulture: Yes, she has an outstanding debt...

Me (interrupting): Well, this is a place of business and we don't give a fuck about her outstanding debt.

Vulture (dripping with condescension): And who are you?

Me: WHO AM I? I'M THE FUCKING ANTI-CHRIST, MOTHERFUCKER! IF YOU EVER - EVER!!!! - CALL MY EMPLOYEE HERE AGAIN I'LL RIP THE PHONE FROM HER HAND AND SET OFF AN AIR-RAID SIREN INTO THE RECEIVER THAT WILL FUCKING DEAFEN YOU!! YOU'LL NEVER HEAR OUT OF THAT EAR FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE. ARE WE CLEAR?

Vulture: Well, blahblahblah...

Me: Good day, sir.

Vulture: Blahblahblahblah....

Me: I SAID 'GOOD DAY'! (With that I slammed down the phone)

I've always wanted to end a conversation like that! I had to stifle laughter the whole time.

And anyone who is thinking "He was just doing his job", well fuck that. His job sucks and he's a cold blooded scavenger of human misery. I hope his herpes gets Aids.

Life in Kentucky: My Senators Support Gang Rape

This is at least a week old, but I haven't been very busy, so I have no excuse and I'm just rambling right now...

Anyway, last week Senator Al Franken proposed an amendment that would prohibit the United States from doing business with defense contractors who won't let their employees pursue criminal complaints in a court of law. This stems from an incident in which a Halliburton employee was drugged and gang raped by fellow employees, but the victim was told to settle the dispute through arbitration.

The amendment does not seek to end arbitration as a means to settle company disputes such as pay raises, vacation time, etc; but gang rape? Shouldn't that be settled in a court of law?

30 Republican senators don't think so. They voted against the amendment. And of course, Mitch McConnell and Jim Bunning, those two mental and ethical heavyweights who represent my home state in the Senate, were among the 30. God damn it.

Do I really think these men are pro-gang rape, like they're advocates of it or something? Well, I've heard Saxby Chambliss owns a yacht christened "Hooray for Gang Rape", but the rest of them probably aren't pro-gang rape. They are, however, ludicrously pro-Halliburton to the exclusion of common sense and victims rights. Since Halliburton has been figuratively raping taxpayers for years, they reason, why quibble over one literal rape? Justice should never be allowed to fuck with Halliburton's profit margin. That's solid senatorin' right there.

Jim Bunning is quite obviously senile, so I'm willing to overlook his vote. He probably had no idea what was said or what he was voting on; or else he sent an aide to cast the vote, and the aide hates Al Franken because years ago he saw that awful Stuart Smalley movie on a first date and the girl never talked to him again. That movie might be a reason a lot of senators voted "no", but hatred of Al Franken is no excuse to not protect innocent victims.

Do I need a better job to have an opinion?

About three and a half years ago I was at a restaurant in Las Vegas enjoying dinner with a group of people. When talk turned to the various mega construction projects going up on and around the Strip, I made a simple observation:

"There's no way all of these projects are going to be built. There's only so much growth one city can handle before it reaches a saturation point."

At the time, I worked as a vendor at Home Depot stores. One of the people at the table, some typical arrogant douchebag, believed that invalidated my opinion.

"Yeah, maybe they should just build a Home Depot on the Strip," he said. Heh. Funny line.

Well, never mind that I WAS RIGHT, that several of those projects were never even started, and even more were delayed or drastically downscaled; that isn't the point. I'm certainly no economic mastermind, but I am sometimes capable of common sense, which is all it took to realize the building frenzy couldn't last forever.

The fucking point was and still is that despite my lowly lot in life, I have a right to engage in conversation without having my job thrown back in my face whenever someone doesn't have a counterpoint or simply doesn't want to listen to me.

I was reminded of this unfortunate incident by something that happened today. Yeah, I'm sure it was a joke and I'm being sensitive blah blah blah, but it really pissed me off.

Quite simply, if anyone has a problem with what I do for a living, they can straight up go fuck themselves. That is all.

I go "FJM" on Bill O'Reilly

I really enjoyed the last FJM-inspired post, so I'm going to do it again.

There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

Today I'm going all "FJM" on Bill O'Reilly. He recently wrote a suck-ass column about the 13th birthday of Fox News.

Big birthday this week—Fox News Channel is 13 years old.

That means only five years until it's old enough to receive a sexual harassment call from you, Bill.

I was there on October 7, 1996, when the channel was launched.

"I made an intern commit suicide that day. The little pussy."

Back then, if the Factor received 50 emails a day, we were happy. Now we average about 2,000 electronic letters daily.

Natural Male Enhancement spam doesn't count, sir.

FNC is perhaps the biggest media success since the broadcast networks themselves were formed in the 1950s.

Don't be so modest, Bill. Obviously, FNC makes the polio vaccine look like that fuckin' restless leg syndrome pill.

Fox News is a billion-dollar enterprise that dominates cable news ratings and is consistently in the top five among all cable programs.

In other news, Olive Garden is a successful Italian restaurant chain and a lot of people drink Bud Light. Hooooooray, shit!

There is no question that FNC leans to the right because it gives conservative voices a prominent place on the air.

Wait, Fox News leans to the right? So their "Fair and Balanced" motto is disingenuous? Fuck me.

No other TV news operation does this. So, logically, conservative Americans tune in for long periods of time.

"...tune in for long periods of time" means "...fall asleep in front of the TV" doesn't it?

Also, Fox News is not boring!

Bill and I have distinctly different standards regarding what isn't boring. And just because you use an exclamation point when saying that something boring isn't boring, that doesn't make it any less boring.

Like us or not, we move things along.

That's easy when you only give one side of the story. "Sorry, (insert name of token liberal here), we're out of time. Sean, why do you think Obama is a terrorist?"

We have lively people on the air.

There are a lot of attractive females on Fox News; I'll give him that. But then they open their mouths...

We take chances and do things differently.

You mean like when Sean Hannity interviewed a disgraced lawyer and avowed anti-Semite who claimed to have "proof" that Barack Obama was a terrorist, but identified the man only as "Author and Journalist"? That was doing things differently, all right.

Many news programs simply recite the days events.

Imagine that. Nothing but information? "Shit, that's too much like reading! We Amurkhuns demand fire-breathing, tit-jiggling infotaincation or we ain't payin' it no mind! My grandfather didn't storm the beach at Normandy so you could force me to know stuff."

Thus, on any given day, you can see scathing personal attacks on FNC anchors. I mean, think about it... why the rage? Nobody is forced to watch Fox News.

Nobody is forced to listen to hip hop, but that never stopped Bill O'Reilly from aiming scathing personal attacks at rappers. People talk shit about things they hate, Bill. It happens.

If you don't like Beck, Hannity, or O'Reilly, watch the Food Network.

The Food Network? In all fairness, none of those three assholes are as frightening as Sandra Lee.

The hysteria over Glenn Beck is a great example of why Fox News dominates. Here is a guy with an opinion. He has a television show. That's it.

And a lot of people think Glenn Beck is a taint-brained fuck-for-all gasbag, and they want to write about it or talk about it on television. That's it.

Apparently, that is driving the intelligentsia insane. They can't stand a guy like Beck mouthing off.

Bullshit. Beck's mouthing off drives me insane, and I'm a fucking moron.

The O'Reilly Factor is part of the American fabric...

Yeah. Part of the American fabric, just like smallpox blankets.

...a broadcast that actually influences the debate in this country.

This is very true. Whenever some senior citizen stands up at at "town hall" and says something like "Keep the government away from my Medicare," I think to myself, "He obviously watches Bill O'Reilly's show."

Way back in 1996, who knew?

Satan knew, Bill. Did he take your soul in exchange for success before or after you blew him?

Here I am, defending Oprah

There's a Facebook group out there called 1 Million Servers Strong Against Oprah's Comments. Her comments? That people should save money in a recession by only tipping 10 percent at restaurants. That's outrageous, right? How dare a multi-millionaire go on national television and basically take money from hard working regular folks who rely on tips to pay bills and feed their children?

Well, she never said that. Didn't say it. This Facebook group is based on a lie. And they don't seem to care, because it's still active.

I'm not an Oprah fan, meaning that I rarely if ever watch her show and have never opened her magazine. I think sometimes she has too much influence on issues of popular culture, but this case is an example of a herd mentality trying to use that influence against her.

I don't think this rumor was started by restaurant servers, though. It was obviously started by cheap bastards who don't want to tip properly. "Oprah told me to cut your income by over a third. Sorry."

Every few years there's an "Oprah Rumor". Several years ago it went around that Tommy Hilfiger went on her show and said he didn't want black people to buy his clothes. And a lot of folks believed it! Yeah, because that's what successful businessmen like to do; tell a segment of society they don't want their money. And if you're going to be racist on national television, is there a more sympathetic venue than the Oprah Winfrey Show? Of course not. Jeeeezus.

Even before that, there was a rumor that Liz Claiborne used an appearance on Oprah's show to announce her allegiance to Satan (stop laughing) and proclaim that all profits from her empire went to glorify the Prince of Darkness. Once again, this makes perfect sense. People love to work for years to build their businesses into huge conglomerates only to destroy it all by claiming to be an agent of evil.

So if these ridiculous rumors could take hold in a pre-internet society, there was no way this "tipping ten percent" bullshit wasn't going to sweep across the world. Believe me, I have sympathy for servers who are making less money now, just like I have sympathy for workers who have lost their jobs altogether; it's just that their anger is misguided and a prime example of the kind of lemmings-like behavior that just naturally pisses me off.

I go "FJM" on Susan from Glendale

There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan. Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.

Today I'm going to go "FJM" on a caller to Rush Limbaugh's daily shitfest radio show. Her name is Susan, and she's from Glendale, California. Rush printed a transcript on his website, because he believes Susan has some important things to say.

"Rush, it's a huge honor for me to speak to you, and I hope I can keep my -- my voice level, because I am so passionate."

"Oh, Rush, I love you so much for doing my thinking for me that I'm pleasuring myself with a hamhock as we speak."

"I am as passionate as you are about this country."

Actually, in fairness to Susan, though she's tragically misguided, at least her passion is genuine and not an elaborate act to rake in millions of dollars from people who don't work during the day.

"I'm a conservative."

Well, no shit. Liberals are only allowed to speak on Limbaugh's show if they have wacky speech impediments or support child molestation. Or preferably both: "Eight is too wate."

"I'm married. I have seven kids."

Seven fucking kids? I think I saw your vagina once. No, wait...I was at the Baseball Hall of Fame looking at Yogi Berra's catcher's mitt. My mistake.

"If I don't comply with their health care, I'm not going to be able to get my children the medicine they need."

Because letting your numerous children die is the primary goal of universal healthcare. Way to see through our liberal smokescreen, genius.

"You know what? I'm 45. I might fall and break my hip in the next ten years. They're going to have to give me a shot because they're not going to want me to be healed and they're going to do this to my children."

What? Huh?

"Hey, this lady just fell and broke her hip. What should we do?"

"Is she a conservative who listens to Limbaugh?"

"Yes."

"Uh...give her a shot. And do something vaguely sinister to her children."

"Yes, O' Exalted Lord of Medicine."

"They are trying to wipe out senior citizens who are maybe not as useful to the Democrat National Committee as they should be, we're not contributing enough to them. And I am outraged and furious."

Oh, lordy! The DNC is comin' to get us! Gather the Matlock dvds and we'll head to the high country!"

This is a special kind of retarded that boggles my fucking mind. This woman is a paranoid delusional, yet Rush Limbaugh features her insanity on his website under the heading "Her Passion Speaks for Millions". Yes, sadly, it does.

"I'm just out here on the Left Coast in la-la land watching all the liberals run our California state bankrupt."

I realize there's little room in Susan's pea brain for facts, but the guv-nuh of California is a fairly prominent Republican.

" I want people to stand up, and I want them to vote these criminals, these pedophiles out of office."

Pedophiles? Susan, I'm about to shake the very foundation of your ideology: People can disagree with you and not be a child-fucker. I know, take a step back as another baby falls from your revolving door 'giner and breathe deeply. It's a lot to take in all at once, I know.

"Tell us what we can do in 2010, other than voting for Sarah Palin, which I will do."

Oh, what a surprise that someone this stupid is going to vote for Sarah Palin two years before she can even run! How sweet, there's a special election in Susan's mind, and Sarah Palin and one of the Care Bears are running against Satan and Al Gore.

I'm getting a SATAN /GORE '10 t-shirt printed, just to mess with people.

"I need hope from Rush and I want you to please tell us what we can do, because this is the life of my children."

Let me give you some friendly advice, Susan. Don't put the lives of your children in the hands of an egomaniacal pill addict.

"And you're right. The new judges coming on, that's going to cement -- that's going to absolutely cement -- their ability to write law instead of legislate. They can just send it to the judges. The judges will rubber stamp it. We'll have liberal judges, we'll just write the law."

Yeah, right or wrong, that's what the party that wins the election does. We just had eight years of conservative judges rubber stamping Bush's agenda. But you were cool with that, huh Susan?

"They're not standing up for what is good and clean and right. They're not standing up for our Constitution. They should be all thrown out, every last one of them -- and I don't know how to mobilize people, but you do, Rush. You do! You have the power. And with great gifts, God gives great responsibility. And I beg you please, please give us hope and lead us."

Can you even imagine living such a pathetic existence as to practically worship a sleazy, common oxycontin popper like Rush Limbaugh? And yet, I still don't think Rush has sex with children. See how that works, Susan?

So go ahead and lead Susan and her like-minded compatriots, Rush. Commission Thomas Kinkade to paint a portrait of Sarah Palin with a beam of light coming out of her asshole, just in time for her imaginary run in 2010. The Satan/Gore ticket won't know what hit 'em.

The stupefying defense of Roman Polanski

The other day on The View, a show I've never seen because I have a job, Whoopi Goldberg defended film director Roman Polanski, who is facing extradition to the United States for committing statutory rape in 1977, saying "It was something else but it wasn't rape-rape."

Oh, it was rape rape rape, Whoopi. Roman Polanski gave a 13-year-old girl champagne and drugs, then when she was all loopy he stuck his dick up her ass. Sorry to be so blunt but this was some seriously vile shit he did. There's no reason to sugarcoat it.

Whoopi went on to say, "We're a different kind of society. We see things differently."

Is she trying to say that child rape is a part of Roman Polanski's culture? I'm sure there are countries where a 13-year-old is considered an old maid who better get to birthin' pronto, but this wasn't an arranged marriage in a an Old World village. This was a grown man, living and prospering in the United States, purposefully incapacitating a child so he could have his way with her. That isn't culture ANYWHERE. Culture is clothing and music and food and literature, not an adult raping a child. Using Whoopi's argument, one would have to forgive the stoning of infidels on U.S. soil if it was part of the assailant's "culture".

Unfortunately, she isn't the only one defending Polanski. A group of film industry big shots signed a petition objecting to his arrest. The list of names includes noted directors Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen (no surprise there), David Lynch and Terry Gilliam. Really? The American guy from Monty Python is okay with Polanski's actions? That is very disappointing to me.

Are people willing to forgive anything because they admire someone's creative efforts? I'm beginning to think that's the case. "Sure, Polanski took some liberties with his female party guest, but have you seen Chinatown?" I believe if Joseph Stalin had a lovely singing voice or an eye for cinematography he'd be on our fucking currency by now.

So no, I don't think Roman Polanski deserves a free pass because of his talents or because it happened a long time ago or any other horseshit excuse his apologists come up with. And frankly, the effort they are putting forth to set him free makes me sick to my stomach.