Everyone is dying to know what a guy who is clueless about pop culture thinks about the Grammys. So here we go:
-U2 opens the show. In 1987 they were my favorite band. And I think I was wearing a Lands' End Squall jacket, so what the fuck did I know?
-Whitney Houston makes a rare non-court-related appearance. Stoned? Crazy? Both? I don't even care.
-Dwayne "Don't Call Me' The Rock'" Johnson tries to tell some jokes and no one laughs. NO. ONE. LAUGHS. There were moments of silence after the 9/11 tragedy that were less quiet.
-I'm not saying Justin Timberlake doesn't have talent; he has talent, kind of like that guy who really tears shit up on karaoke night at a bar where most of the patrons are assholes. Does he deserve to sing with the Reverend Al Green? No.
-How do I know the Grammys are gay? Coldplay performs (Yes, going to the Apatow well once again). With Coldplay, it's hard to tell when the show ends and the commercials begin. Or am I stuck in an elevator?
-Carrie Underwood reminds me of the one really hot chick in the ensemble cast of a "Country Hootenany USA" show at a struggling amusement park. After the park goes bankrupt, Carrie achieves inexplicable superstardom while the unfortunate owner makes an appearance as the villain on Scooby Doo.
-I'd never heard of Sugarland, who win a "country" music award, but they play their song on the horrid ear-rape satellite station at work. At least now I know who to hate when it comes on for the third time in a single day.
-Every few years, Kid Rock comes back with a different image and a slightly different appropriated sound. He's the Madonna of guys who've fucked Pamela Anderson.
-Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift totally win the sophomore talent show! LOL!
-The Family Guy
rerun is the one where Peter gets a new dog because he thinks Brian is getting too old, so my Grammy watching is going to take a major hit for the next thirty minutes. They say the Jonas Brothers are coming up, so this is perfect timing. The Jonas Brothers make me want to drive their tour bus off the side of a mountain. Seriously. I'll take the hit for society.
-Okay, Katy Perry is wearing a skimpy outfit, so goodbye Family Guy.
She sings "I Kissed a Girl" but the recreational lesbianism is merely implied. Cheat.
-And Kayne West is next. If he isn't insulting George Bush, I don't wanna hear from him. I'm back, Family Guy.
I shan't leave you again.
Fuck, it's over.
-Adele wins Best New Artist. I have no idea who she is, but her weird acceptance speech makes me think it's SNL's Kristen Wiig in a fat suit. Yeah, that's a cheap shot. How about a "weighs more than Kristen Wiig" suit? Better.
-Morgan Freeman introduces Kenny Chesney as "a man I'm proud to call my friend." And another little piece of my soul dies.
-A Sean Puff Daddy P. Diddy Combs sighting. It's now officially a celebrity circle jerk.
-M.I.A. (I know who she is because I saw her on a magazine cover the other day) is either knocked up or she's wearing a "more pregnant than Kristen Wiig" suit.
-Paul McCartney dusts off "I Saw Her Standing There" for a trip down Memory Lane with the left turn signal on the entire time. It kind of sucked, but he used to be in Wings, so I'll give him a pass.
-John Mayer takes time out from being a complete douchebag
to accept an undeserved award. Feast on a dick buffet, Mayer.
-While a couple of people I don't care about perform, I fix myself a refreshing Coke Zero.
-Justin Timberlake again? And he gets to be introduced by Samuel L. Jackson? This is too much for me to bear. I'm going to add a shot of bourbon to the Coke Zero.
-Hells yeah! Academy of Performing Arts President Neil Portnow! Neil Fucking Portnow! HE IS A GOLDEN GOD!
-Neil Diamond looks like the guy who gets thrown out of the strip club for taking way too long a sniff.
-B.B. King and Buddy Guy, two certifiable legends, are on stage with John "Aforementioned Douchebag" Mayer and some greasy Billy Ray Cyrus-lookin' dude.
B.B and Buddy lived through institutional segregation for this? They deserve better.
-Speaking of deserving better, the city of New Orleans gets a tribute from Lil Wayne.
-Then he wins a Grammy. He's short. The "Lil" in his name is not ironic.
-Robert Plant and Alison Krauss perform, win some awards, and finally put this marathon to bed.