There used to be a website called Fire Joe Morgan.
Their shtick was to take a sports-related newspaper column or TV rant and tear it apart, sometimes sentence by sentence.
Today I'm going to go "FJM" on a caller to Rush Limbaugh's daily shitfest radio show. Her name is Susan, and she's from Glendale, California. Rush printed a transcript on his website, because he believes Susan has some important things to say.
"Rush, it's a huge honor for me to speak to you, and I hope I can keep my -- my voice level, because I am so passionate."
"Oh, Rush, I love you so much for doing my thinking for me that I'm pleasuring myself with a hamhock as we speak."
"I am as passionate as you are about this country."
Actually, in fairness to Susan, though she's tragically misguided, at least her passion is genuine and not an elaborate act to rake in millions of dollars from people who don't work during the day.
"I'm a conservative."
Well, no shit. Liberals are only allowed to speak on Limbaugh's show if they have wacky speech impediments or support child molestation. Or preferably both: "Eight is too wate."
"I'm married. I have seven kids."
Seven fucking kids? I think I saw your vagina once. No, wait...I was at the Baseball Hall of Fame looking at Yogi Berra's catcher's mitt. My mistake.
"If I don't comply with their health care, I'm not going to be able to get my children the medicine they need."
Because letting your numerous children die is the primary goal of universal healthcare. Way to see through our liberal smokescreen, genius.
"You know what? I'm 45. I might fall and break my hip in the next ten years. They're going to have to give me a shot because they're not going to want me to be healed and they're going to do this to my children."
"Hey, this lady just fell and broke her hip. What should we do?"
"Is she a conservative who listens to Limbaugh?"
"Uh...give her a shot. And do something vaguely sinister to her children."
"Yes, O' Exalted Lord of Medicine."
"They are trying to wipe out senior citizens who are maybe not as useful to the Democrat National Committee as they should be, we're not contributing enough to them. And I am outraged and furious."
Oh, lordy! The DNC is comin' to get us! Gather the Matlock dvds and we'll head to the high country!"
This is a special kind of retarded that boggles my fucking mind. This woman is a paranoid delusional, yet Rush Limbaugh features her insanity on his website under the heading "Her Passion Speaks for Millions". Yes, sadly, it does.
"I'm just out here on the Left Coast in la-la land watching all the liberals run our California state bankrupt."
I realize there's little room in Susan's pea brain for facts, but the guv-nuh of California is a fairly prominent Republican.
" I want people to stand up, and I want them to vote these criminals, these pedophiles out of office."
Pedophiles? Susan, I'm about to shake the very foundation of your ideology: People can disagree with you and not be a child-fucker. I know, take a step back as another baby falls from your revolving door 'giner and breathe deeply. It's a lot to take in all at once, I know.
"Tell us what we can do in 2010, other than voting for Sarah Palin, which I will do."
Oh, what a surprise that someone this stupid is going to vote for Sarah Palin two years before she can even run! How sweet, there's a special election in Susan's mind, and Sarah Palin and one of the Care Bears are running against Satan and Al Gore.
I'm getting a SATAN /GORE '10 t-shirt printed, just to mess with people.
"I need hope from Rush and I want you to please tell us what we can do, because this is the life of my children."
Let me give you some friendly advice, Susan. Don't put the lives of your children in the hands of an egomaniacal pill addict.
"And you're right. The new judges coming on, that's going to cement -- that's going to absolutely cement -- their ability to write law instead of legislate. They can just send it to the judges. The judges will rubber stamp it. We'll have liberal judges, we'll just write the law."
Yeah, right or wrong, that's what the party that wins the election does. We just had eight years of conservative judges rubber stamping Bush's agenda. But you were cool with that, huh Susan?
"They're not standing up for what is good and clean and right. They're not standing up for our Constitution. They should be all thrown out, every last one of them -- and I don't know how to mobilize people, but you do, Rush. You do! You have the power. And with great gifts, God gives great responsibility. And I beg you please, please give us hope and lead us."
Can you even imagine living such a pathetic existence as to practically worship a sleazy, common oxycontin popper like Rush Limbaugh? And yet, I still don't think Rush has sex with children. See how that works, Susan?
So go ahead and lead Susan and her like-minded compatriots, Rush. Commission Thomas Kinkade to paint a portrait of Sarah Palin with a beam of light coming out of her asshole, just in time for her imaginary run in 2010. The Satan/Gore ticket won't know what hit 'em.