Funny stuff

Over the weekend, U.S. sprinter Tyson Gay qualified for the Olympics in pretty impressive fashion. An evangelical Christian news site ran the story, but unfortunately (or fortunately, if you like comedy) they have a filter of some sort that changes the word "gay" to "homosexual"; which led to the following headlines:



This is too funny for me to comment on the idiocy of having such a strange filter for a website.

Summertime, and the racism's easy...

The other day, conservative hanger-on Grover Norquist referred to Barack Obama as ...wait for it...wait for it..."..John Kerry with a tan." Oh, for God's sake! This guy, while unconscionably evil, is way too intelligent not to know how that sounds.

Of course, this is the jackal who compared the estate tax to the Holocaust. Yeah, taxing a trust fund layabout for money he didn't earn is about the same as killing six million people. Nice work, guy named after a muppet.

Let me just go ahead and say that Grover Norquist is Karl Rove with a 70s porn-cunt for a face. See, that was insulting without being racist. It can be done, and I don't have two degrees from Harvard.

These fuckers have been getting away with this shit for far too long now. The solution? A good old fashioned public execution. We need to shoot Grover Norquist in the head and show it on live TV. Show it right before the season premiere of American Idol when lots of easily manipulated simpletons are watching; you know, the kind of compost-brained fucks who thought it was a good idea to call french fries "freedom fries".

Me: "Hi, I'm Todd and I'm the host of Blow off Grover Norquist's Face. Don't worry, we'll get to your Top Forty shitfest soon enough, idiots. But first we're going to kill Grover Norquist like we're the Mafia and he owes us money. Any last words, Grover?"

Grover: "Whatever you do, don't tax my estate!"

Note: For those of you who've come here by accident looking for merkin photos, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO KILL GROVER NORQUIST. Lighten up, Francis.

Come for the afro, stay for the pun

They don't make giant afros or horrible baseball card jokes like they used to. Where have you gone, Oscar Gamble? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

A vote for McCain is a vote for Bush

See what I did in that title? I linked presidential candidate John McCain to a highly unpopular sitting president from the same political party. That's a little trick I learned from apprentice scumbag Karl Rove, who in turn learned it from scumbag emeritus Lee Atwater.

A quick word about Lee Atwater: When he lay on his deathbed, he publicly apologized for the "slash and burn" style of political campaigning that he practically invented. In other words, most modern political discourse is derived from a type of slander so vile that its own creator disavowed it for fear it would doom him to eternal damnation. Why else would he say he was sorry for the lies he told and the reputations he destroyed if not for a deep-seated fear of burning in hell?

Last year I watched a fascinating HBO special on Barry Goldwater. Since Senator Goldwater was unopposed for the 1964 Republican presidential nomination, he and President Kennedy made plans to travel TOGETHER on a bus and have informal debates in selected cities around the country. Goldwater and Kennedy were former congressional coworkers and friends who just happened to have very different views of how to run the country, so there was no personal vendetta, only policy disagreement.

Of course, the idea died when Kennedy was assassinated. Lyndon Johnson and Goldwater hated each other, so instead of a wonderful display of unfiltered democracy, the nation was treated to months of name-calling.

So what is this blog going to do to raise the level of political discourse? Not a fucking thing. It's too much fun to slander the Republicans; and besides, not a lot of people read this. For instance, say I state a BLATANT FALSEHOOD such as "John McCain butt-raped an eight-year-old and gave him hepatitis-c." Even if I printed this lie as fact, without disclaimers, it still wouldn't do as much damage as another half-truth about Obama on Michelle Malkin's blog. I'm fighting a losing battle, but I enjoy the fight.

So, in the coming months when I point out McCain's misstatements and/or blunders and you think to yourself, "Hey, what about Obama's fuck ups?" rest assured I'm ignoring them to advance my own agenda! If you want to go up Obama's ass with a microscope, feel free to read the websites of Michelle Malkin, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Savage, etc. You'll get your fill from them.

Unrelated note: Just today my right wing brother, whom I love dearly, linked to a George Carlin routine mocking environmentalists. At the same time, some atheist blogger friends posted a Carlin routine mocking religion. I can think of no greater proof of George Carlin's brilliance than having his work used to promote the agendas of two such completely different people.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

George Carlin died yesterday at the age of 71. The title of this post consists of the famous Seven Dirty Words You Can't Say on Television that he popularized in the '70s. You can say "tits" on broadcast TV now, and sometimes you can say "shit", so I guess we've progressed as a society in the past 35 years.*

In the past few years Carlin was probably more bitter than funny, but when he was younger he was one of the top five comedians of all time. When an all time great dies, I think it's wise to pay tribute. And I liked the way he never took any shit from anyone.

I remember watching a George Carlin comedy special on HBO during the summer of 2001. I was sitting in my apartment basking in the glow of pre-9/11 crapulence. I believe I was eating thrice-fried chicken wings and washing them down with the ill-fated beverage Coke Gravy.

Anyway, Carlin started ripping on the name "Todd", just eviscerating my first name. I thought it was pretty funny. The phone rang, and it was my mom.

Mom: "Ha, are you watching HBO? George Carlin is making fun of your name! Hahaha."

Me: "You named me, crazy lady."

Rest in peace, George Carlin. Wherever you are, don't take any shit.

*No we haven't. In fact, society is in shambles. More on this later...

Why do I torture myself?

Earlier this evening I was reading the local newspaper online and I came across an article on the U.S. Conference of Mayors giving Louisville some kind of an award.

Briefly overcome by hometown pride, I decided to see what other residents thought of this honor. Even though I knew better, I started to read a dreaded Courier Journal online forum.

God, it was once again a horror-fuck of horror-fuckian proportions. Every Courier Journal online forum consists of the absolute worst people in the city (well, the worst ones with computer access) waxing idiotic on the issues and non-issues of the day. The story can be about a child who gets beheaded and some fucking simpleton writes "That's what she gets for having a head in the first place" or some other such god damn nonsense.

Then the racism rears its ugly head. Some redneck blames everything on the blacks, and then some black guy blames everything on "that Jew mayor." Then things start to get personal!

There's even one guy who comments on every forum I've ever read who does nothing but brag about how rich and successful he is and berates others for not being as wealthy. He'll say things like "Those kids wouldn't have been killed if their parents would have made enough money to live in a good East End neighborhood like the one I live in." This guy is my least favorite person in the history of me hating on some motherfuckers. I can only continue in a world that produces a piece of filth like this by believing that he'll die alone and be eaten by his cats before the body is found. Let's forget his lack of compassion for a second and focus on this: How many truly wealthy people sit around all day and night and comment on online forums? My wild guess is ZERO. I'm thinking you won't peruse the online forum for Seattle's newspaper and read from Bill Gates, "If only you'd founded Microsoft, your children wouldn't have been killed by that street gang."

Before I get a lot of "Louisville is racist" comments from people who live in all-white towns, let me say that the Courier Journal forum is not the only breeding ground for asshole opinions. Read the comments after a popular youtube video; it's the same shit on an international level. The anonymity of the internet brings out the "bravery" in every gutless coward on earth.

Every town has its good and bad points, and the CJ online forum is a low for the city of Louisville. After work tomorrow I think I'll meet some friends at a local brewpub and remind myself of why I like this place.

Take my advice...please!

Ok, I have a new blog project. I'm taking letters sent to "legitimate" advice columnists and answering them. It's called Unsolicited Advice and it's the best thing to hit blogging since spam! I'll probably grow tired of it in a week or so, but until then kindly check it out here.

Hey Ladies...

Women of America, I have a request. No, I'm not asking for a blowjob, although that would be nice for a change. Dear females, can I please be allowed to hate Sex and the City? Really, can I despise that fucking show without being called "misogynistic patriarch" or "taint-for-brains"?

My dislike of Sex and the City has nothing to do with gender. Those women simply possess character traits that I also find off-putting in men; and it would be truly sexist of me to excuse these shallow, vapid cosmo sippers just because they have what I want down there.

While we're at it, I'd also like to get permission from black people to hate Tyler Perry's House of Payne. Have you seen this comedic death sentence? It's on after Family Guy reruns on TBS, so I tried to watch it one night. It was so bad that, had my remote control not worked, I'd have taken my fat ass off the couch and changed the channel myself. That, my friends, is bad television. Yeah, it's nice of Tyler Perry to put his name in front of a show written by dull-witted fifth graders and performed by actors rejected by community theater, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

As long as we're all here, fuck Carlos Mencia. Is that cool, Latinos? I have a feeling you guys don't like him either, but since I asked the women and the blacks I didn't want to leave you out. I saw Carlos Mencia do stand up "comedy" and it looked like open-mic night at a sports bar in Bakersfield. I was once robbed by four knife-wielding thugs and my assailants made me laugh more than he did. He sucks, is what I'm saying.

In closing, I'd also like to ask lesbians if I can despise Rosie O'Donnell, white trash if I can loathe Larry the Cable Guy, hipster douchebags if I can detest the band Vampire Weekend, and frat scrote if I can abhor Dane Cook.

You can't have your hate and eat it too.

The other day I was driving behind this guy pulling a U-Haul or something similar and he had an odd sign attached to the back of the trailer.

There was a large picture of Barack Obama dressed as Osama Bin Laden. I'm sure the thinking behind that was "Hey, those names sure do sound alike, and anyone who disagrees with me on any issue is obviously as evil as the man who planned the 9/11 attacks." In other words, standard political discourse.

However, under the picture was written in bold letters 21st Century Uncle Tom.

Which one is it, piece of filth whom I wish death upon? "Uncle Tom" is defined as "a black person who is regarded as being humiliatingly subservient or deferential to white people." While mass murdering terrorist Osama Bin Laden has many faults, I don't think a subservient attitude toward white people is one of them, do you?

So, fucking moron I'd like to see slowly fed through a wood chipper, is Barack Obama a terrorist hell-bent on ending Western culture (which is defined and controlled mostly by white people) or is he a sycophantic toady willing to debase himself to the white power structure? Before you die of syphilis and are buried ass-up in Al Capone's grave, make up your fucking mind.

I was interviewed by Big City Media

This happened about three weeks ago, but I had to get clearances to make sure I could reprint the text, because I didn't want to get sued and lose my Homer Simpson pez dispenser (the only thing of value that I own).

I was sitting outside of my favorite brewpub one Sunday afternoon, enjoying a pint of Nitro Porter and doing a bit of people-watching, when a twentyish hipsteresque gentleman approached me. I was getting ready to say "I don't have any change or cigarettes" when he asked if he could interview me for Big City Media, a weekly newspaper based in New York City. "Why not?" I replied.

Big City Media
First of all, where are we?

Me
We're in front of Cumberland Brews.

BCM
Is this the local watering hole?

Me
This is one of many "local watering holes". They brew their own beer. I recommend the Nitro Porter.

BCM
Do they also sell moonshine?

Me
Ha, good one. (pause) Oh, you're serious. No, they don't sell moonshine. That would be illegal. Yes, even in Kentucky.

BCM
Oh, well that's not important. I wanted to talk to you about Kentucky Democratic primary.

Me
(under my breath) Crap.

BCM
Excuse me?

Me
Nothing. What was your question?

BCM
Do you think you people rejected Barack Obama so overwhelmingly because of his race?

Me
Well, I voted for Obama, as did a majority of the people in this city.

BCM
(Silence. Perplexed look.)

Me
Barack Obama won the city of Louisville.

BCM
But Hillary Clinton received 65% of the vote in Kentucky.

Me
True. So I suppose your next stop is Puerto Rico to ask someone what Puerto Ricans have against Obama?

BCM
What?

Me
Clinton got 68% percent of the vote in Puerto Rico. Why they have a primary there I don't know, but they do, and Obama didn't do well.

BCM
Back to the subject, you don't think race had anything to do with Obama's lack of support overall?

Me
I'm sure it did with some people, even here in Louisville, but it's offensive of you to paint every person in Kentucky as racist. Do I think Obama could have won in Appalachia? No, but he could have done better if he would have made a few personal appearances there. Some of those folks have never seen a black person outside of the drug dealers on Law and Order; just as your perception of Southerners seems to be based on the guys who butt-fucked Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

BCM
Hey, don't get hostile.

Me
I'm not hostile, although I do challenge you to a duel. With pistols. At sundown. That should give me ample time to have my all-white dueling suit cleaned and pressed.

He mumbled something and walked off.

A couple of things that happened at work today

-We hired a guy who has a moustache just like 70s porn star Harry Reems.

-One of our cashiers played a game of "Make the Bad Joke Before the Customer Does" and it backfired big time. Here's the conversation:

Cashier: "Your total comes to $19.79. 1979 was a pretty good year."

Customer: "Hell no! That's the year my father died."

Ooops.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Mawkish Balladeers, Be Not Proud

A few weeks ago I was house-sitting for a friend. Since the house is very close to several bars, I stumbled home with a good buzz and sat down to watch crappy "Oh my god it's 4am" TV. In other words, infomercials.

A pair of middle-aged men with 70's-era Rod Stewart haircuts are selling a collection of 80's love songs. They look vaguely familiar. Were they on a long-forgotten sitcom, perhaps My Two Sexually Ambiguous Uncles? Were they former understudies for Siegfried and Roy? Are they currently banned from every Chuck E. Cheese in North America? They soon provide the answer.

Tool #1: "Hello, I'm Graham Russell."

Tool #2: "And I'm Russell Hitchcock."

Both Tools in unison: "And together...we're Air Supply."

Let me tell you, when you're half drunk that's the funniest thing you'll ever hear. Ever.

They seemed so proud of being Air Supply. It made me wonder about other instances of misplaced pride.

"Hello, I'm John Allen Muhammad."

"And I'm John Lee Malvo."

"And together...we're the DC freeway snipers."

or

"Hello, I'm Shane Stant."

"And I'm Shawn Eckardt."

"And together...we're the guys who attacked Nancy Kerrigan."

The shirtless father and son Chicago White Sox fans who rushed the field and beat the shit out of an elderly coach also deserve a mention, as I'm sure they're very proud of that accomplishment. However, they sure haven't inflicted as much damage on society as Air Supply.

Running Mates and the McCain Dilemma

It's about time for Obama and McCain to pick their running mates, and being such a good citizen and all I've decided to help them make their decisions.

Barack Obama
I was unsure about this one. I want Obama to pick Al Gore, but there's no way in hell Al wants to be vice president again. In eight years I'm sure he went to enough dignitary's funerals to last a lifetime. Hillary's supporters want her to be selected, of course, but don't count on it. Obama doesn't want Bill running around the White House, raiding his 'fridge and banging his interns. That might make for a mildly amusing movie starring Owen Wilson as Bill, but it won't work in real life.

As for John Edwards, he needs to join John Kerry in a little town called Historical Footnoteville. Why do we want to remind anyone of 2004, when we had a chance to stop the Bush disaster and fucking dropped the ball? Jesus, just run the corpse of Lloyd Benson. At the very least, hilarious Weekend at Bernie's-style hijinks will ensue.

Then I got my inspiration from John, who recently called Robert DeNiro a "fucking whiny-ass LIBERAL". Hey, DeNiro is a liberal, and he'd be perfect for the Democrats. Americans, being kind of stupid, love them some celebrities, and DeNiro is A-List, baby! Since those vapid twats from The Hills are too young to serve, I propose an Obama/DeNiro ticket.

McCain
I've thought about this for a long time, and I know who would be perfect for McCain and the Republicans: John Ramsey, father of the late JonBenet Ramsey. Why? Well, nominating John Ramsey would lock down the overlooked "Guys who murdered their children and got away with it" demographic. And besides, I want McCain to lose, and lose badly.

Hey, I don't hate McCain. In fact, I loved him in 2000 when he told everyone who'd listen that George W. Bush was a spoiled piece of shit who ran a dirty campaign; but that probably had more to do with my hatred of Bush than anything else.

I'll give McCain credit, though. When he was a POW the Viet Cong offered to let him go because his father was an Admiral and they wanted the publicity of releasing a high profile prisoner. McCain refused unless all of the Americans were released. That didn't happen, of course, and his captors then took to beating the scrapple out of him on a regular basis.

Man, I would have been gone! "Hey, Admiral Dad, send a luxury liner to pick my ass up. And stock it full of booze and women if you don't mind."

But then he got home, discovered his wife had been in a horrible car accident, and divorced her soon afterward. Hmmmmmm. No one knows what goes on between two married people in the privacy of their home, so maybe McCain happened to decide he didn't like her personality at the same time she was disfigured and maimed. Hey, it could have happened that way. No, really.

A lot has been made of the horrible things Obama's now-ex pastor said, but Chris Matthews and Tim Russert and the so-called "liberal media", who DEMANDED that Obama apologize for everything Rev. Wright ever said, have never asked McCain to apologize for actively seeking and happily accepting the endorsement of fundamentalist nutcase John Hagee. Here are a few chestnuts from John Hagee:

"I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that."
Wow, there's a sin cut-off regarding God's forgiveness? You mean all of that "God forgives all" stuff I learned in Sunday School was just a bunch of horseshit? And what exactly is an unacceptable level of sin? I'll bet Las Vegas is pretty close, in which case I want my brother and sister-in-law to evacuate immediately, before God smites their adopted hometown.

And in case his quote wasn't clear enough, how about this one:

"I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."
Thanks for clearing that up for us, crazy person.

This one is my personal favorite:

"The End Times -- Rapture -- is imminent and the U.S. Government must do what it can to hasten it."
I'm pretty sure almost everyone would agree that the government's MAIN FUNCTION is to prevent the end of times, not hasten it!

No, I don't think John McCain believes the role of the U.S. Government is to end all life on this planet. I'm just saying that the 2000 version of McCain would have told this guy to go fuck his robe.

In closing, I just hope that come November when you go to the polls and are faced with the choice of Obama/Deniro or McCain/Ramsey, you'll remember that DeNiro was really fucking good in Raging Bull. Oh, and that John Ramsey strangled his child and is still a free man.

Stay tuned for more unbiased election coverage.

Crystal Boob Persuasion

I don't do a lot of memes anymore, but this is my second in a row and I have valid excuses.

I really liked the rock band album meme, so I borrowed it even though there was no tagging involved. Then, lo and behold, Crystal from the mega-blog Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper done went and tagged my ass. I've admired her from afar for three years now, so I couldn't say no.

There will be one modification, though. I'm not going to tag anyone. I'll just answer the questions. If you'd like to answer the questions on your blog, let us know and we'll all go over to your blog and read it and all get along swimmingly.

What was I doing ten years ago?
I was living at the spacious yet crappy Doral Apartments with my friend Dave. I vaguely remember waking up every Sunday morning and vowing to God almighty that I'd never drink again (I lied. Repeatedly). And some strip clubs were visited.

What are five things on my list to do today?
Well, the day is over, but I got a few things accomplished.
1. Against my better judgment, I got up and went to work. It sucked, big surprise.
2. I got gas for the car. Every single time I have to purchase gasoline, it's like getting fucked up the ass by Dick Cheney sporting a studded titanium strap-on.
3. I went to the grocery and bought some food.
4. I went to Target and bought some Targety stuff.
5. There is no number five. What am I, some kind of a hyper achiever?

Snacks I enjoy?
"Snacks I don't enjoy" would be a shorter list.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire?
-Buy a house in either the Highlands or Crescent Hill neighborhoods of Louisville.

-Take care of friends and family.

-Buy one of those nice condos on the Las Vegas Strip.

-Start dating women who only like me for my money (Secretly, every man's dream).

-Travel a lot. When I'm in Chicago, the Italian beef sandwiches are on me.

-Donate to worthy charities.

-Buy the Fox network just to cancel American Idol.

Three of my bad habits?
Only three?
I have no ambition. I can't keep my weight down. I'm increasingly impatient.

Five places I have lived?
I'm not a world traveler, that's for sure. I've lived in Louisville, KY; Henderson, NV; and Louisville again. Really, that's enough. There are always vacations.

Five jobs I've had?
In no particular order:
Kentucky Kingdom
Six Flags owns this dump now, but when I worked there it was owned by a vagrant who won it in a poker game. Seriously, it was a fucking joke. We all had to wear double polyester shirts in the sweltering humidity, so twice a week an employee would almost die of heat stroke.
Organized Living, Henderson, NV
The "executives" who ran this place should be rounded up and executed.
Long defunct cafe in Louisville
I was on salary at this place and I think my pay averaged out to ten cents an hour. Old people would call at 7am and ask what our soup of the day was going to be. One time I said "Cream of Get a Life".
Pier One, Henderson, NV
I ate like a fucking king at this job. The ladies who worked there brought food Every. Single. Day. I've never had breakfast burritos as good.
Equus Restaurant, Louisville
Years ago I worked at one of the best restaurants in town, and I'm sure they got immediately better the day I quit.

How did I name my blog?
This blog was originally called Viva Las Vegass (hence the URL) because it told the reader I lived in Las Vegas and had the word "ass" in it. When I moved back to Louisville, I considered calling the blog The BluegrASS State (continuing the "ass" theme) or Loserville, Kuntucky. Instead, I got really really drunk and named it Death Wore a Feathered Mullet.

Remember, kids, if you want to answer these questions you should consider getting a hobby. Uh, I mean you should let us know in the comments.

This sounds like rock and/or roll

I took this meme from my friend Erin.

Create your very own rock band!

Go to Wiki Random - this is the name of your band.

Go to Quotes random - the last four words in the last quote is the album name.

Go to Flickr 7 days interesting - the third picture, no matter what, is your cover.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nicholas Fairbairn. Although named for a British politician, the band hails from Sarasota, Florida. Their debut CD, as a rank outsider, was just released on Touch and Go Records and isn't available on itunes because itunes is ruining music. You probably aren't familiar with their influences.

Mudhoney makes your favorite band sound like a bunch of pansy-ass twee minstrels

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing grunge-rock pioneers Mudhoney play in front of a booze-fueled crowd of people tired of precious music played by trust-fund brats. Mudhoney rocked our fucking souls off. There's rock and roll where our souls should be this morning. Oh, and I'm probably a little more deaf than I was yesterday, which is pretty deaf.

I try to learn things while I'm standing in a small concert venue drinking beer and listening to music, and last night I learned this: In concert, Mudhoney is better than your favorite band; they rock harder, they care more. Your favorite band is probably a bunch of smug twentyish douchebags clawing desperately for fame at a time when nobody buys recorded music, while Mudhoney accepts the fact that this is never going to get them rich and just rocks for the sake of fucking rocking. Will your favorite band bring it years from now, when rock stardom has long passed them by? No, they'll break up as soon as the first little thing goes wrong; or half-assedly play the nostalgia circuit of dog tracks and state fairs. And the only original member will be the drummer. Seriously, can you imagine Nickelback sticking around for ONE SECOND after the money stops rolling in? Faster than you can do a line of coke off a pair of fake tits, they'll be history.

Since Mudhoney practically invented a genre that made millionaires of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden, they don't owe society anything more, but I wish they'd do one more thing for all of us: Publicly eviscerate the band Vampire Weekend. While Vampire Weekend performs in concert, playing their cute little pseudo-world music, it would be cool if Mudhoney rushed the stage, pummeled them with guitars, and started playing real rock music over their possibly dead bodies. Then if they could arrange for a biological terrorist to give everyone in the audience the flesh-eating bacteria, that would be the icing on the cake.

Before anyone thinks I'm picking on them, Mudhoney is also way better than my favorite band. It's something I'm just going to have to live with.