Keep your dirty hands off my bourbon!

This is Ancient Ancient Age 10 Year Old bourbon, the best value in whiskeydom as far as price and quality. Several years ago a distiller from Buffalo Trace told me about this fine beverage and it's been a staple of my liquor cabinet ever since.

Until last week, AAA 10 Year Old was the well-kept secret of a few fanatics. Then someone wrote a piece about it in the local newspaper. Suddenly we can't keep it on the shelf.

All it took was a few paragraphs in a painfully mediocre newspaper to bring the mindless lemmings out from their cave-like dwellings to put their grubby meat-hooks all over my favorite bourbon!

On one level I'm glad more people are discovering this elixir of the gods. But there are two potential problems I'm worried about: Shortages and price increases!

Since it takes ten years to make this bourbon (hence its name) there's only so much available at any time. If too many rubes suddenly start guzzling a fifth of AAA every time their common law wife blows the neighborhood meth dealer, the distillery is going to run out and I'm going to be pissed off.

Also, while I consider a master distiller to be an artist above and beyond that Renaissance fop Leonardo da Vinci, they work for companies that want to make the filthy lucre. When the bean counters notice an increase in demand for this product they're going to raise the price. Right now a 750ml bottle goes for $13.50. By comparison, the same size bottle of Maker's Mark goes for $23.00, and AAA is as good or better. With gas soon to top the ten dollar a gallon plateau, I can't afford to spend too much on booze.

"Where my chubby chasers at?"

I'm sure most of you are aware of the term "chubby chaser", which references guys who like their women .... ample. Well, I read an article about female chubby chasers, women who prefer fatty-fatty-fat-fat men.

As I read this fascinating expose, I was eating a salad. A fucking salad! I don't like salad unless it's topped with buffalo chicken strips and drenched in blue cheese dressing, but this salad was devoid of delicious goodies. Would a female chubby chaser be the answer to my prayers? Could I go back to my everyday menu of pizza, chicken wings, fried foods, and beer without the one-hundred percent certainty that I'd die alone? Is there a woman out there who would actually try to fatten me up even more? "Happy birthday, dear. I bought you a $1,000 gift certificate to Impellizzeri's and this stylish muumuu.

But then I began to have second thoughts. The article pointed out that there are relatively few female "blubber enthusiasts" and I have a feeling the competition is pretty intense. You'll never hear this conversation between two North American women:

woman1: "You know what I hate about the dating scene in this town?"

woman2: "What?"

woman1: "Not enough overweight guys."

woman2: "Tell me about it. Too many guys in good shape around here."

woman1: "Let's strip down to our bra and panties and tickle one another."

woman2: "Okay."

Sorry, that got away from me there at the end. But you get my point. I guess I'll eat an occasional salad. Fuck.

I never thought I'd be a McCain speechwriter...

(Click on the comic so you can read it) I heard conservatives talk a lot of shit about John McCain in 2000 and 2004. In fact, I think a lot of neo-cons dislike him much more than I do. I think it would be funny if McCain abused ultra-conservative audiences from now until November. I'd like him to use this speech when he addresses a fundamentalist church in the deep South:

"Settle down, snake-handlers. I won't be speaking in tongues or any of that crazy shit, so get that idea out of your heads right now, you brainwashed fuck-wits. I'm not going to lie, I don't want to be here, looking at a bunch of fat, red-faced jackasses and their insipid, obedient wives. This morning I addressed the College Republicans at Mississippi State and damn there were some hot chicks in that crowd. You see, they don't think a little makeup and some cleavage will damn them to eternal hellfire. And they aren't getting married the day after high school graduation to a redneck asshole who'll use a bad interpretation of the Bible to ensnare his wife into an unbearable existence of indentured servitude and thankless breeding; as if the world needs more uneducated peons. Now, I know most of you aren't very bright, so allow me to summarize: College chicks are cool, you people suck.

"Yeah, I said 'You suck'. What are you going to do about it, vote for Obama or Hillary? Ha! Everyone in this congregation is as pale as a Goth kid with melanoma, so I can't imagine Barack Obama getting a lot of support. I know most of you hilljacks refer to the American Civil War as 'The War of Northern Aggression' and won't be voting for a black man anytime soon. Well, it was called the fucking Civil War, your ancestors were 19th century versions of John Walker Lindh, they committed treason against the United States of America for the right to treat human beings as animals, and they got their asses handed to them by Ulysses Whiskey-Dick Grant. Put down the banjo and pick up a god damn history book!

"And you won't even let women have a voice in the church. They can't lead a worship service, and you're going to vote for a woman to lead the free world? I don't think so, Joe Bob. All of the men in this room are misogynists, otherwise you wouldn't have willfully chosen a subset of Christianity that treats women like garbage. The Presbyterians, for example, treat women as equals but you neanderthals want them silent and knocked-up. I suppose it's your little way of trading one form of institutionalized slavery for another.

"It's your right to feel that women are inferior, but let me tell you one thing: I don't care for Hillary Clinton as a candidate, but her pussy-farts are smarter than every stump-jumper in this congregation, whether you're the insecure Alpha and Omega male or the Stepford Bint who married him and became his mute jizz receptacle. Kindly take a dirt nap, fuckers.

"Well, I'm done here. I have a fundraiser across town with a group of people who actually give me money. You people give me nothing but a hard time for not thinking the world is flat. Can you see why I'd rather talk to them? In closing, God bless America, but fuck you."

Seriously, he can have the speech for free if he wants it.

Why is HG so GQ?

I noticed something really disturbing last week. Apparently, in increasingly larger circles, it is totally desirable to be Human Garbage.

When confronted by this abominable behavior, I wasn't at some crappy nightclub on a weekend night, when it would have been my own fault for subjecting myself to rampant HG. It was Thursday and I was at a wing and beer joint, for god's sake. A group of quarterlife fucks were celebrating something, maybe the fact that all of their parents are outrageously wealthy, and were taking pictures to capture the moment for stupid-person posterity. Hey, I got no problem with any of that. However, in each and every picture, everyone made a douche kissy-face so they looked like these fuckforalls.

Why, god-who-obviously-hates-me? Why? Someone decided to combine empty feminine preening and brainless macho posturing to produce a new sort of metrosexual doucheality AND IT'S SWEEPING THE NATION! And thanks to the stupid laws of "civilized" society I'm not allowed to cave-in the shit-encased craniums of the Human Garbarge who think it's fashionable. I call bullshit! If they're allowed to take Jackie Aprile, Jr. and his various palsy-puss sperm receptacles as role models, it should be perfectly acceptable for me to execute the lot of them mob style.

But murder, even of Human Garbage, is illegal; so I'm writing about it on a blog. That's almost as good.

Issues? We don't need no stinkin' issues!

I didn't watch the latest Democratic debate, because I just can't stand to see Obama and Clinton tear each other apart as America's Grumpy Uncle, John McCain, slowly gains momentum in his quest for a third Bush term. However, I do search the internets, and apparently the "leftist media" that ran the debate asked questions about EVERYTHING BUT THE ISSUES FACING THIS COUNTRY.

There isn't a serious issue out there that the media won't try to dismiss in favor of something trivial.

We've been in Iraq for five fucking years with no plan to get out. Obama doesn't wear an American flag pin (which was made by child laborers in China) on his lapel.

Gas will probably be five dollars a gallon by summer's end. Hillary looked dumb doing a shot of whiskey at a bar in Pennsylvania.

The economy is in the shitter. Bill Clinton's gonna get another blowjob. You know he is!

Our drinking water and the air we breathe have been decimated by eight years of federal indifference and outright executive branch sabotage. Someone somewhere made a misstatement and we have the youtube footage to prove it.

The media loves these little sideshows because let's face it, ISSUES ARE BORING. Issues aren't going to sell copies of the sleazy tabloid that poses as your local newspaper. Issues aren't going to get the masses to watch "The Liberal" and "The Conservative" yell at each other on a cable news channel. Hey, I'm guilty of it as much as anyone. In the time it took me to gleefully read about the allegation that John McCain called his wife a cunt, gas in my neighborhood went up fifty cents.*

Lastly, I'd like to address the idea being presented by both Hillary Clinton and John McCain that Barack Obama is an elitist. Well, in the immortal words of English romantic poet Percy Shelley, "No fucking shit." Of course he's an elitist. Why? Because he's smarter than most people, god damn it! You know that kid who just requested you as a myspace friend, the one who goes by the name Thug4Lyfe and lists his favorite books as "None. Bookz is for pussiez"? Barack Obama is his intellectual superior. Obama is also smarter than the guy who had "Git 'R' Done" branded on his nutsack and the woman who bought a Thomas Kinkade painting for $1000 instead of purchasing its aesthetic equal for fifteen bucks at a "starving artist" sale in the conference room of the Airport Sheraton.

And anyone who tries to say that Obama is any more of an elitist than Clinton or McCain is trying to sell you something.



*Although if he did call the mother of his children a cunt, that kind of makes him a cunt, doesn't it?

What was I thinking? Musical addition

You just outgrow some things, I suppose. For example, I now realize that any woman who would agree to have sex with me is probably crazy, so I'm content to live the rest of my life in a lonely coastal town called Celibate City. But that's another post. For this one, I'm going to talk about bands I can't believe I used to like.

Smashing Pumpkins
A fair part of their debut, Gish, is pretty good, as are one or two songs from Siamese Dream. The rest of their catalog has aged like the potato salad that was left out in the sun too long at the last family reunion and gave your Aunt Betty the runs. The problem is whiny mancunt Billy Corgan, the Gen X Uncle Fester. His shrill, grating voice sucked in 1993 and hasn't gotten any less annoying to these old ears as the years have gone by.

The Police
Fuck the tuneless noodling of Andy Summers, fuck the bogus Jamaican accent of Sting, and most of all (SIMPSONS REFERENCE ALERT) fuck the competent drumming of Stewart Copeland.

Living Colour
Rock and funk, together at last. What's that you say? They aren't very good at either? Never mind, then.

AC/DC (post Bon Scott)
It seems obvious to me that original singer Bon Scott wrote the album Back in Black before he died. How else do you explain this band releasing a hard rock fucking masterpiece as their first album with a new singer and then proceeding to subject the listening public to twenty-eight years of ham-fisted garbage?
This is only on the list because I bought the album after Back in Black and listened to it several times before I realized it was worthless. I was young and stupid.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers
I might take some shit for this, but how many RHCP songs are worth an ounce of tramp sperm? "Higher Ground"? They didn't write it. "Under the Bridge"? Ruined by the tone deaf sing-speak of Anthony Kiedis. "Dani California"? Close, but it sounds too much like "Around the World". These guys are great rock stars and put on a fun live show, but I can't imagine listening to their music at home.

I'm sure there's more, but I don't feel like admitting to it.

The Official Beer of Warm Weather

Yeah, so it was 75 degrees two days ago and 49 degrees today. I'm still prepared to crown Oberon, a wheat beer made by Bell's Brewery, as The Official Beer of Warm Weather.

Why Bell's Oberon? Because it tastes good, god damn it! And when it starts getting all hawt and schweaty you'll want something that isn't too heavy but doesn't taste like carbonated swill (I'm looking at you, Bud Light).

What is your Official Beer of Warm Weather? Or, if you don't drink beer, what is your alcoholic beverage of choice?

The latest object of my lust...

I found this picture of University of Tennessee basketball player Candace Parker on a sports site. Not only was she the best female college basketball player in the country last year, but she's really really hot.

I'm here to declare my overwhelming lust for Candace Parker. She's tall (6'4"), I'm tall (6'6") and...that's where the similarities end, folks.

Can an old flabby white man who can't jump over the Sunday newspaper find happiness with a young athletic black woman who can easily dunk a basketball? No. No he can't. But I can admire her and add her to my "Bonerama Mt. Rushmore" with Scar Jo, Jessica Alba, and Eva Mendes.

And if anyone thinks I'm objectifying women, c'mon...this is just about lust. Even Jimmy Carter said "I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times...." and he BUILDS HOUSES FOR THE POOR. So there.

Mercifully, humor from an outside source

Well, it's obvious I have nothing left in the tank, so I'm going to share with you my favorite headlines from an Onion "best of" compilation I found at a discount bookstore.

Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying

Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer

South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year

Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

Crowd Of Voters Cheers Patronizing Rhetoric

Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns

Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy

'85 Chicago Bears Return To Studio
(Shufflin' Crew Begins Work On Long-Awaited Follow-Up Album)

Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants

New "Small 'N' Flaccid" Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever

Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado

Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting

Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor

Roof On Fire Claims Lives of 43 Party People


Also, check out the site Garfield Minus Garfield. It's better without the fucking cat!

They don't call it "soft rock" for nothing

Way back when I was in middle school, at a seventh grade dance, I was lucky enough to score a slow dance with "the girl who developed first". As we swayed anti-rhythmically and I rested my head on her breasts, the vapid, syrupy music of Air Supply kept me from getting an embarrassing erection. Thank you, Air Supply!

Save Katie!

Is this a picture of the Glendale Galleria's Hot Topic Employee of the Month, the one who needs to get her gaunt ass over to the food court, pronto? No, it's Katie Holmes! Sweet mother of crazy midgets, someone needs to drag her away from that nutty bastard Tom Cruise.

Look at her! Unless she's auditioning for the lead in Does This Microphone Make Me Look Fat? The Karen Carpenter Story, Tom and his cult religion are fucking killing the poor girl. This looks like a still from a snuff film, a killer in a leather hood standing just out of the frame.

Katie recently collapsed from "exhaustion", and she certainly wasn't exhausted from all the sex she's having with Tom, as he'd sooner shit on L. Ron Hubbard's grave than go near a vagina. I hear Katie's twat has marks on it from where he touched it with a ten-foot pole, but sex? Forget about it.

In less than ten years Katie Holmes has gone from Dawson's Creek to Crypt Keeper. Will Pacey show up to save her?







In other news, Louisville was knocked out of the NCAA Tourney by a guy who looks like Beaker. Once again, sport proves to be a filthy whore.