After seeing the crooks, morons, stiffs, losers, ne'er-do-wells, strumpets, rapscallions, bad actors, nincompoops, dorks, effete latte-sippers, fear mongers, bigots, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads, and semi-literate yokels who are running for public office this time around, I've decided to run for Congress in 2008. I don't see how I'm any worse than these people.
The two years will give me time to lose weight and find a wife. You can't be a Congressperson without a spouse, not in this highly charged post-Foley political landscape. I think it will be easy to find a wife once the pounds melt away and the Todd-for-Congress juggernaut starts rolling along. Who doesn't want to be married to a less-fat member of the United States House of Representatives?
But Todd, one of you may or may not be asking, what are your positions on the issues? I'll be running on a pro-recreational lesbian, anti-douchebag platform, naturally. Some of my other big ideas include:Nepotism
: I'm going to fix it so my brother doesn't have to pay any taxes. This way he won't openly campaign against me.Let's Execute Karl Rove on Pay-Per-View
: The revenue generated will more than compensate for the taxes my brother won't be paying.Move the U.S. Capitol to Las Vegas
: Yeah, I know I just moved away from there, but think of the VIP treatment I'd get as a member of Congress. Fucks yeah! And when I got sick of the place after a few days I could take my taxpayer-funded jet back to my home district in Louisville.Easy government jobs for blogger friends
: Those of you who've read this crap for over a year deserve to make a hundred grand for licking stamps.I'm going to let Bill Clinton give campaign speeches for me while he's getting blown:
"My fellow Americans, I know two things: Todd will make a heckuva Congressman, and I'm balls deep in this bitch's mouff." Man, will that piss off Fox News!Let's put "Fuck Tom Cruise" on the new dollar bill:
And maybe replace George Washington's mug with an image of Cruise sucking off a donkey. What's he gonna do, sue the United States government?Louisville needs an In-n-Out Burger franchise:
There aren't any In-n-Outs east of Arizona, but I plan on being the most powerful freshman Congressman in our nation's history, so I think they'll see things my way.No check writing in retail stores:
If I get this passed, I'll be popular with everyone but old people and crooks who write bad checks.Make Baby Got Back our National Anthem:
I was going to suggest Prince's Pussy Control,
but I'm the last person who wants to offend any delicate sensibilities.